A Call To Relational Courage
Relationships are the fabric of our lives. In fact, the first two of the ten commandments establish our priorities for life: our relationship with God, with others, and with ourselves.
Wait, What?
Foundational to our relationships with others is our relationship with ourselves. This sounded really strange to me before I became spiritually and emotionally healthier, because I thought my only purpose in life was to serve others. What I didn’t know is that because the God who created me the way I am values me, I can’t properly love others if I don’t value myself. My service is meaningless – and detrimental to my interactions with others – if I don’t acknowledge the truth God says about me.
Susan King writes: “As Christians, we are often made to believe that we should do for others and deny our own needs. I don’t think that statement fulfills biblical principles. In Mark 12:30-31 Jesus tells us that the most important commandment is this: “. . . you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and your strength. The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.” Loving yourself as your neighbor is mentioned eight times in scripture. If it is written eight times and is a command, it must be significant. The measure for how we love others is . . . as we love ourselves.” (See entire article HERE.)
So How Do I Love Myself?
Loving yourself isn’t about selfishness. It’s about seeing yourself as God sees you: beloved. We ascribe worth to ourselves because God does. We’re honest about ourselves in light of what God says about us: we are chosen (Eph. 1:4), unique (Ps. 139:14), and beloved (Jer. 31:3), to name a few.
Here are some practical steps to help you move toward honesty in this area:
A person who honors herself/himself as God desires will exercise maturity in self-awareness. She/he will recognize personal limits (emotional capacity, physical limitations) and pursue godliness by taking care of personal needs (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Without a high degree of wholeness in the area of valuing your own person, it is impossible to love others well or minister to them from the “overflow” of personal well-being. We cannot give what we do not have. If we try to minister from a place of emptiness, our own strength is easily depleted.
Action step: take some time alone this week to evaluate your relationship with yourself. Notice what you find. Ask questions such as
Relating Well to Others
Courage to love others well is like a two-sided coin. On the one side, God calls us to love and value others as we love and value ourselves (as He loves and values us!) The other side is the balance of appropriate boundaries for the equal good of others and ourselves. (The best resource I can recommend is HERE.)
Loving others well is not simply a matter of tolerance or niceness. Loving others as ourselves means
Courageous Conflict
Learning tools for engaging in conflict without putting the relationship in danger is tantamount to relational health. In a healthy relationship, conflict is an opportunity to build closeness, for each to more fully understand the other’s perspective, and to work together to find viable solutions that work well for all parties. Avoiding conflict is much more costly than learning skills of engagement. No two humans are exactly alike, which means there will always be differences of perspective, so intentional conversations are the only way to resolve an issue.
Relationships In a Larger Context
Scripture gives us a way to address wounds in the body of believers. It is designed to graciously bring others back into the relationship of a protected flock (and to keep danger out), not to maliciously ostracize people. In Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus teaches us how to resolve relational conflict involving sin in the body of Christ for the person’s best interest. This podcast explores that topic more fully.
Action Steps
Take some time this week to reflect on your relationships.
Are you and the people in your life “safe”? Go HERE.
Are there fools in your life? Go HERE.
Jesus teaches on forgiveness: see articles HERE and HERE
Rightly Related to God
How would it make you feel to know that the God of creation longs to spend time with you? When you think about it, it’s mind-blowing to conceive of a God (completely “other” than us) who created us to “enjoy Him forever” (Westminster Catechism). And yet, there would be no other logical reason for Jesus to go to ultimate lengths to free our souls from sin, unless it were to bring us into a relationship we were meant to share with God.
One of our basic human needs is that of belonging. All humans will at some point let us down, but the God who sees us, knows us inside and out, is steadfast, endless in mercy and grace, who works in our best interest, whose love never fails (Rom. 8:35-39), is always with us (Heb. 13:5). If our primary relationship is with God, then our lives will be stable, we will find rest and comfort, and we will not have to fear the future. How extraordinary!
A Two-Way Prospect
What are your first thoughts when you hear the phrase, “your relationship with God”? Maybe that phrase is triggering to you if you have experienced religious trauma in which God was improperly reflected as being harsh and angry. In my experience, people did a lot more talking about God than helping me learn how I could have a relationship with Him. A relationship with an invisible God contains many of the same elements we would expect from a “best friend”, like:
More Than What You Thought
Maybe you’ve been told that the sum total of a relationship with God is
Deeper Still
You may have noticed how the psalmists cried out to God, giving us words to speak when we have none. They communicated with God in a present way, and they expected a response. They acknowledged the power in the relationship rested with God, yet they were not afraid to draw near.
“I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” ~ Ps. 34:4
God hears us and answers when we cry to Him. His response may come by different means according to the way you uniquely hear Him, the only qualifier being your openness to receive His word. He communicates in many ways:
Practicing the Presence of God
It was only after a time of deep suffering that I became open to the idea that God was not distant (emotionally or otherwise); He is always available and near (Ps. 34:18, Isaiah 30:15; Jer. 29:13). I learned to sit still and meditate on the truth of God’s presence. Before that time, I did not ever “feel” God’s presence, but desperately wanted assurance of His promise to never leave or forsake me. Slowly and quietly, God used many means to help me get comfortable with Him: beauty in nature, quiet hikes and walks, the compassion of friends (God with me in the souls of others), and His assuring Word. The more I clung to the truth of His presence, the more I understood His way of being with me. It was from these experiences that sprang a healthier faith and greater appreciation and love for His friendship.
Finding the God Who Already Found You
"You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.'" ~ Ps. 27:8
There’s only one thing preventing us from finding the God who wants to be found: us. God is always present, but we won’t feel it if we’re forever scurrying and striving. As it is with any human relationship, getting close to God requires spending intentional time with Him, both in quality and quantity.
“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” ~ James 4:8
For me to be refreshed in God’s presence, I must be quiet. Features of our time together might include any of the following:
Action Steps
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published July 2023
Wait, What?
Foundational to our relationships with others is our relationship with ourselves. This sounded really strange to me before I became spiritually and emotionally healthier, because I thought my only purpose in life was to serve others. What I didn’t know is that because the God who created me the way I am values me, I can’t properly love others if I don’t value myself. My service is meaningless – and detrimental to my interactions with others – if I don’t acknowledge the truth God says about me.
Susan King writes: “As Christians, we are often made to believe that we should do for others and deny our own needs. I don’t think that statement fulfills biblical principles. In Mark 12:30-31 Jesus tells us that the most important commandment is this: “. . . you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and your strength. The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.” Loving yourself as your neighbor is mentioned eight times in scripture. If it is written eight times and is a command, it must be significant. The measure for how we love others is . . . as we love ourselves.” (See entire article HERE.)
So How Do I Love Myself?
Loving yourself isn’t about selfishness. It’s about seeing yourself as God sees you: beloved. We ascribe worth to ourselves because God does. We’re honest about ourselves in light of what God says about us: we are chosen (Eph. 1:4), unique (Ps. 139:14), and beloved (Jer. 31:3), to name a few.
Here are some practical steps to help you move toward honesty in this area:
- Monitor your self-talk (see THIS article)
- Practice the art of self-care (see THIS article)
- Meditate on the truth of God’s love for you (see THIS article)
A person who honors herself/himself as God desires will exercise maturity in self-awareness. She/he will recognize personal limits (emotional capacity, physical limitations) and pursue godliness by taking care of personal needs (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Without a high degree of wholeness in the area of valuing your own person, it is impossible to love others well or minister to them from the “overflow” of personal well-being. We cannot give what we do not have. If we try to minister from a place of emptiness, our own strength is easily depleted.
Action step: take some time alone this week to evaluate your relationship with yourself. Notice what you find. Ask questions such as
- Do I like myself? Why or why not?
- What does God say about me?
- What do I like doing best?
- Why am I doing or not doing what I like best?
- What would life be like if I operated from God’s view of me instead of my view of me (if different)?
- Am I full or empty?
- What do I need to change in order to live from a place of wholeness?
Relating Well to Others
Courage to love others well is like a two-sided coin. On the one side, God calls us to love and value others as we love and value ourselves (as He loves and values us!) The other side is the balance of appropriate boundaries for the equal good of others and ourselves. (The best resource I can recommend is HERE.)
Loving others well is not simply a matter of tolerance or niceness. Loving others as ourselves means
- To want the best for them
- To live in honesty, even if the truth is hard
- To have healthy boundaries for the good of everyone
- To allow others freedom, but not at the expense of yours
- To refrain from enabling others’ dependent behavior
- To promote relational safety
- To forgive and be forgiven often
- The other person will become angry, so they “walk on eggshells”
- Speaking their needs will cause a rift in the relationship
- They can’t live without this relationship
- If they tell the truth, something really bad will happen
Courageous Conflict
Learning tools for engaging in conflict without putting the relationship in danger is tantamount to relational health. In a healthy relationship, conflict is an opportunity to build closeness, for each to more fully understand the other’s perspective, and to work together to find viable solutions that work well for all parties. Avoiding conflict is much more costly than learning skills of engagement. No two humans are exactly alike, which means there will always be differences of perspective, so intentional conversations are the only way to resolve an issue.
- Fight for the relationship, not against it
- Check your heart first, determining to love the other person well
- Listen as you would like to be heard. Really listen.
- Check the accuracy of your understanding of what was said
- Own your part of the issue, including admission of wrong
- Develop a plan together going forward
- Reassure the other of your desire for their best interest
Relationships In a Larger Context
Scripture gives us a way to address wounds in the body of believers. It is designed to graciously bring others back into the relationship of a protected flock (and to keep danger out), not to maliciously ostracize people. In Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus teaches us how to resolve relational conflict involving sin in the body of Christ for the person’s best interest. This podcast explores that topic more fully.
Action Steps
Take some time this week to reflect on your relationships.
- Can you identify degrees of health/dysfunction in them?
- Is God showing you ways in which your personal interactions could change to yield better results?
Are you and the people in your life “safe”? Go HERE.
Are there fools in your life? Go HERE.
Jesus teaches on forgiveness: see articles HERE and HERE
Rightly Related to God
How would it make you feel to know that the God of creation longs to spend time with you? When you think about it, it’s mind-blowing to conceive of a God (completely “other” than us) who created us to “enjoy Him forever” (Westminster Catechism). And yet, there would be no other logical reason for Jesus to go to ultimate lengths to free our souls from sin, unless it were to bring us into a relationship we were meant to share with God.
One of our basic human needs is that of belonging. All humans will at some point let us down, but the God who sees us, knows us inside and out, is steadfast, endless in mercy and grace, who works in our best interest, whose love never fails (Rom. 8:35-39), is always with us (Heb. 13:5). If our primary relationship is with God, then our lives will be stable, we will find rest and comfort, and we will not have to fear the future. How extraordinary!
A Two-Way Prospect
What are your first thoughts when you hear the phrase, “your relationship with God”? Maybe that phrase is triggering to you if you have experienced religious trauma in which God was improperly reflected as being harsh and angry. In my experience, people did a lot more talking about God than helping me learn how I could have a relationship with Him. A relationship with an invisible God contains many of the same elements we would expect from a “best friend”, like:
- The freedom to talk about anything, including what concerns us most
- The expectation for the other to listen intently with great interest
- A “shared life” experience
- Mutual enjoyment – finding pleasure in being with the other person
- A feeling of safety and trust
- Doing your part to listen back while the other person shares
More Than What You Thought
Maybe you’ve been told that the sum total of a relationship with God is
- Reading your Bible
- Praying to God for what you want.
Deeper Still
You may have noticed how the psalmists cried out to God, giving us words to speak when we have none. They communicated with God in a present way, and they expected a response. They acknowledged the power in the relationship rested with God, yet they were not afraid to draw near.
“I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” ~ Ps. 34:4
God hears us and answers when we cry to Him. His response may come by different means according to the way you uniquely hear Him, the only qualifier being your openness to receive His word. He communicates in many ways:
- A Scripture passage may “jump out” at you
- A worship song may speak specifically to you
- All of a sudden you feel safe and loved
- You may have a strong inclination that wouldn’t have naturally occurred to you, but is consistent with God’s character
- Your body may respond with a “gut feeling” to act
- You may use writing (such as “appreciation journaling”) to pen your thoughts to God, and sense what He is communicating back to you (ahem–the psalmists used this method all the time)
Practicing the Presence of God
It was only after a time of deep suffering that I became open to the idea that God was not distant (emotionally or otherwise); He is always available and near (Ps. 34:18, Isaiah 30:15; Jer. 29:13). I learned to sit still and meditate on the truth of God’s presence. Before that time, I did not ever “feel” God’s presence, but desperately wanted assurance of His promise to never leave or forsake me. Slowly and quietly, God used many means to help me get comfortable with Him: beauty in nature, quiet hikes and walks, the compassion of friends (God with me in the souls of others), and His assuring Word. The more I clung to the truth of His presence, the more I understood His way of being with me. It was from these experiences that sprang a healthier faith and greater appreciation and love for His friendship.
Finding the God Who Already Found You
"You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.'" ~ Ps. 27:8
There’s only one thing preventing us from finding the God who wants to be found: us. God is always present, but we won’t feel it if we’re forever scurrying and striving. As it is with any human relationship, getting close to God requires spending intentional time with Him, both in quality and quantity.
“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” ~ James 4:8
For me to be refreshed in God’s presence, I must be quiet. Features of our time together might include any of the following:
- Viewing nature (being outside or looking out the window)
- Wordless prayer (silence and the art of listening to what springs from the Holy Spirit in my soul)
- Reading a portion of Scripture
- Journaling what I’m learning, or my thoughts/prayers to God
- Meditating on truths I know about God
- Praying specifically for transformation into Christ’s image
- Turning away from my own desires and tuning in to God’s desires
- Using colored pens or pencils artistically, or other creative pursuits
- Listening to sermons from a credible source
- Reading other believers’ works to guide me into greater understanding of God’s redemptive plan
- Worship music or singing to God
- Preparing my heart to seek the Lord opens my spiritual “eyes and ears” for what He wants to communicate to me. Immediately or later in the day, He may very clearly answer what we talked about earlier.
Action Steps
- Take 15 minutes to sit quietly in “wordless” prayer, just being
- Give thanks to God for what you see in His creation
- Notice what you feel when you think about God and His character
- Express to God what you’re thinking about Him
- Ask God to help you understand Him more deeply
- Look for God’s character reflected in godly friends and family
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published July 2023