But Did He Actually Hit You?
Actually, it was much worse than that . . .
This article is the second in a 2-part series of the most harmful questions asked of a victim of domestic violence. (See the first part HERE.) To the average, blissfully unaware person, abuse is something that happens to "other people", an enigma of uncertain proportions that "just doesn't make sense" because everything looks okay from the outside. In the last article, I wrote about why a victim stays too long in an abusive relationship. Today, we're visiting another difficult, disorienting question that victims of abuse are often asked: "Did he actually hit you?"
First, let's talk about the question and the motivation that drives it. It seems that those who don't understand what abuse is, let alone what it's like, grasp at quantifying the damage by measuring it in terms of physical violence. On the surface, this seems fair, because, after all, hitting someone can be categorized as bad, right? The problem with this question is that it doesn't take into account the other, much more extensive damage that can be caused in a toxic relationship.
I've heard many victims say (and I've said so myself), "I wish he had hit me! It would have been better than what he did do!" Why is hitting better than other forms of abuse? Here are a few reasons:
1. Hitting someone is criminal, and punishable by law. A victim can prove "battery" if there are visible bruises, wounds, or broken bones. The law protects victims of battery, and victims may press charges, effectively ending the relationship if desired. If my oppressor had actually hit me, I would have had instant freedom as I turned him over to the police.
2. Hitting is a blatant, obvious attack, leaving no room for question that a person is choosing to be adversarial. A victim can see quite clearly what's what--where the relationship stands, and what kind of a person she's dealing with--if she is hit.
3. It's easier to recover from a physical hit than a subtle, ongoing toxic influence. Perhaps after a hit, a person can rationalize that the person who hit was angry or frustrated, and then everything can go back to "normal" (until next time). On the other hand, less obvious, underhanded behaviors such as putting a person down, questioning her perception of reality, name-calling, isolating, and limiting personal freedom kills slowly but effectively, and a long time can go by before a person realizes she is at the brink of death.
There are many forms of physical abuse that do not include hitting. (I will mention here that, given time, abuse always becomes physical, and if allowed to progress, it leads to homicide. Think Gabby Petito.) The motivation for physical abuse is coercive control, so an oppressor will use whatever means necessary to get his way. Because we're looking at patterns of behavior that have meaning to both the oppressor and the victim (she knows that one slight signal means that he is capable of something much more harmful), physical abuse can include blocking one's way, choking, grabbing, forcing sex, restraining a person from free movement, pressing a person down, tickling (used as a torture device in some cultures), slapping, squeezing, and the list goes on. Physical violence also includes aggressive behavior aimed at threatening and intimidating the victim, sending the message that the abuser is capable of and willing to do violence to her person if he chooses. These behaviors can include putting his fist through a wall, hurting the family pet, destroying property (usually the victim's belongings), brandishing a weapon or tool, etc. The point of physical abuse is to maintain control or power in the relationship, so it doesn't have to leave bruises to get the point across to a victim. It's abuse by virtue of the oppressor's motivation.
What's worse than physical abuse? It's the crazy-making, soul-killing, mind-warping, reality-altering betrayal by the very person who is trusted to love, care for, and protect. It's psychological and emotional abuse. It's the collateral damage done to the kids who are conditioned to abusive behavior, fearful for their lives, and confused--not knowing what a healthy relationship even looks like. It's the multi-generational pathology that leads to relational dysfunction, anxiety, depression, cutting, eating disorders, addictions, identity confusion, and suicide.
Let's state this another way. If you have heart surgery, you can reasonably expect to recover within a year, barring some unforeseen complication. If you are a victim of abuse, whether or not it ever became "physical", even intentional recovery can take years to sort out truth from lies, grieve losses, function in society without paranoia, trust people, go to events without being triggered to the point of breakdown, rise from the pit of depression and despair, or even to pray.
While physical violence is a component in most abusive relationships, it does not have to be present to accomplish the abuser's purposes. Hitting is not the only way an abuser can be physically violent, threatening, or intimidating. If he can make a victim believe he will carry out his threats, he can effectively have his own way. Sometimes an act of physical violence will appear only once, near the beginning of the relationship, and thereafter all the abuser has to do is "signal" a remembrance of the event, sending his victim into a spiral of fear and subordination.
Abuse is many things, and hitting is only one way in which a person can abuse. The Bible has many descriptors of those who abuse, and most of these go together: scorner, mocker, liar, murderer, thief, robber, deceiver, accuser; one who is quick to shed innocent blood; one whose feet run to evil; an angry man; one who cares not for his own family; one who clothes himself in violence; one who is sexually deviant; one who not only does evil but has pleasure in others who do evil. Abusers are self-deceived, and they deceive others. They employ any and all techniques necessary to convince others to let them have their way: they minimize, justify, rationalize, and deny. Hitting is only one of many tools in the toolbox of coercive control.
If you have the privilege of walking with a victim of abuse, I implore you to carefully guard your questions, and do more listening than judging. Over time, her story will begin to make sense as you put yourself in her shoes and realize that you would respond similarly to her trauma if you were struggling to survive inwardly and outwardly. You, the listener, do not get to quantify the damage done or re-write her narrative. If you had been there, you would not have had the capacity to do any super-hero maneuvers, and she didn't either. She may just be thankful to be alive.
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©2021 Julianne Knapp. Originally published 10.24.21
This article is the second in a 2-part series of the most harmful questions asked of a victim of domestic violence. (See the first part HERE.) To the average, blissfully unaware person, abuse is something that happens to "other people", an enigma of uncertain proportions that "just doesn't make sense" because everything looks okay from the outside. In the last article, I wrote about why a victim stays too long in an abusive relationship. Today, we're visiting another difficult, disorienting question that victims of abuse are often asked: "Did he actually hit you?"
First, let's talk about the question and the motivation that drives it. It seems that those who don't understand what abuse is, let alone what it's like, grasp at quantifying the damage by measuring it in terms of physical violence. On the surface, this seems fair, because, after all, hitting someone can be categorized as bad, right? The problem with this question is that it doesn't take into account the other, much more extensive damage that can be caused in a toxic relationship.
I've heard many victims say (and I've said so myself), "I wish he had hit me! It would have been better than what he did do!" Why is hitting better than other forms of abuse? Here are a few reasons:
1. Hitting someone is criminal, and punishable by law. A victim can prove "battery" if there are visible bruises, wounds, or broken bones. The law protects victims of battery, and victims may press charges, effectively ending the relationship if desired. If my oppressor had actually hit me, I would have had instant freedom as I turned him over to the police.
2. Hitting is a blatant, obvious attack, leaving no room for question that a person is choosing to be adversarial. A victim can see quite clearly what's what--where the relationship stands, and what kind of a person she's dealing with--if she is hit.
3. It's easier to recover from a physical hit than a subtle, ongoing toxic influence. Perhaps after a hit, a person can rationalize that the person who hit was angry or frustrated, and then everything can go back to "normal" (until next time). On the other hand, less obvious, underhanded behaviors such as putting a person down, questioning her perception of reality, name-calling, isolating, and limiting personal freedom kills slowly but effectively, and a long time can go by before a person realizes she is at the brink of death.
There are many forms of physical abuse that do not include hitting. (I will mention here that, given time, abuse always becomes physical, and if allowed to progress, it leads to homicide. Think Gabby Petito.) The motivation for physical abuse is coercive control, so an oppressor will use whatever means necessary to get his way. Because we're looking at patterns of behavior that have meaning to both the oppressor and the victim (she knows that one slight signal means that he is capable of something much more harmful), physical abuse can include blocking one's way, choking, grabbing, forcing sex, restraining a person from free movement, pressing a person down, tickling (used as a torture device in some cultures), slapping, squeezing, and the list goes on. Physical violence also includes aggressive behavior aimed at threatening and intimidating the victim, sending the message that the abuser is capable of and willing to do violence to her person if he chooses. These behaviors can include putting his fist through a wall, hurting the family pet, destroying property (usually the victim's belongings), brandishing a weapon or tool, etc. The point of physical abuse is to maintain control or power in the relationship, so it doesn't have to leave bruises to get the point across to a victim. It's abuse by virtue of the oppressor's motivation.
What's worse than physical abuse? It's the crazy-making, soul-killing, mind-warping, reality-altering betrayal by the very person who is trusted to love, care for, and protect. It's psychological and emotional abuse. It's the collateral damage done to the kids who are conditioned to abusive behavior, fearful for their lives, and confused--not knowing what a healthy relationship even looks like. It's the multi-generational pathology that leads to relational dysfunction, anxiety, depression, cutting, eating disorders, addictions, identity confusion, and suicide.
Let's state this another way. If you have heart surgery, you can reasonably expect to recover within a year, barring some unforeseen complication. If you are a victim of abuse, whether or not it ever became "physical", even intentional recovery can take years to sort out truth from lies, grieve losses, function in society without paranoia, trust people, go to events without being triggered to the point of breakdown, rise from the pit of depression and despair, or even to pray.
While physical violence is a component in most abusive relationships, it does not have to be present to accomplish the abuser's purposes. Hitting is not the only way an abuser can be physically violent, threatening, or intimidating. If he can make a victim believe he will carry out his threats, he can effectively have his own way. Sometimes an act of physical violence will appear only once, near the beginning of the relationship, and thereafter all the abuser has to do is "signal" a remembrance of the event, sending his victim into a spiral of fear and subordination.
Abuse is many things, and hitting is only one way in which a person can abuse. The Bible has many descriptors of those who abuse, and most of these go together: scorner, mocker, liar, murderer, thief, robber, deceiver, accuser; one who is quick to shed innocent blood; one whose feet run to evil; an angry man; one who cares not for his own family; one who clothes himself in violence; one who is sexually deviant; one who not only does evil but has pleasure in others who do evil. Abusers are self-deceived, and they deceive others. They employ any and all techniques necessary to convince others to let them have their way: they minimize, justify, rationalize, and deny. Hitting is only one of many tools in the toolbox of coercive control.
If you have the privilege of walking with a victim of abuse, I implore you to carefully guard your questions, and do more listening than judging. Over time, her story will begin to make sense as you put yourself in her shoes and realize that you would respond similarly to her trauma if you were struggling to survive inwardly and outwardly. You, the listener, do not get to quantify the damage done or re-write her narrative. If you had been there, you would not have had the capacity to do any super-hero maneuvers, and she didn't either. She may just be thankful to be alive.
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
©2021 Julianne Knapp. Originally published 10.24.21