"But He's Such a Nice Guy!"
One of my besties, Lisa and I were working out at the gym when she suggested an article on discernment when it comes to identifying someone by his character. I laughed, but remembered how many times lately that someone has told me about her self-centered, self-focused, selfish husband, followed by, "But he's such a nice guy!" Let's look behind the curtain to see what's really going on.
Define "Nice Guy"
We humans rely too much on what we can see with our physical eyes. In the absence of the wisdom of distinguishing someone by their behaviors, we tend to believe our own fantasy of who we hope them to be, or want them to be. A clean-cut, clean-shaven man, for example, may be a very wicked person. This is not new, nor is it specific to the twenty-first century. Paul wrote to his protege in 2 Timothy 3:1-9:
"But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.
For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.
Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.
Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men."
The Guy Next Door, Or Within Your Home
While this is not a bash session toward men, we need to be clear that evil can lurk anywhere. My trauma-informed friends and I will testify that selfish, covetous, proud, abusive, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, irritable, brutal, evil-loving, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lascivious "nice guys" can be
Foolish or Wise?
The book of Proverbs is very helpful in listing behaviors that help us distinguish fools from wise men. The list of evil actions and attitudes above characterizes fools because they say "no" to God, they do not walk in His ways, they are unrepentant and unaccountable for their deeds.
Let's Get Real
Only when we step out of fantasy and into reality can we walk in truth. Just because we want things (and people) to be a certain way doesn't make it so. We do ourselves injustice by living in denial, by blaming ourselves, or by justifying or minimizing someone else's toxic character as demonstrated by their behavior.
You cannot change someone else (only God can do that!), but you CAN change the way you respond to them. The first step is being honest. You can totally honor and respect a person while believing the truth about them. You can then take steps to avoid the person (2 Timothy 3:5) by refusing to contribute to their behavior, especially the toxic effects toward you.
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*If the "nice guy" you're experiencing is your husband, you'll need someone to walk with you in wisdom to determine how you can best glorify God in your relationship without bringing further harm or enabling the damage. I recommend subscribing to resources at LeslieVernick.com.
For a helpful resource on dealing with fools in your life, click HERE.
Get free weekly articles by email! Click HERE. Your Info will never be shared.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 2.28.23
Define "Nice Guy"
We humans rely too much on what we can see with our physical eyes. In the absence of the wisdom of distinguishing someone by their behaviors, we tend to believe our own fantasy of who we hope them to be, or want them to be. A clean-cut, clean-shaven man, for example, may be a very wicked person. This is not new, nor is it specific to the twenty-first century. Paul wrote to his protege in 2 Timothy 3:1-9:
"But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.
For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.
Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.
Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men."
The Guy Next Door, Or Within Your Home
While this is not a bash session toward men, we need to be clear that evil can lurk anywhere. My trauma-informed friends and I will testify that selfish, covetous, proud, abusive, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, irritable, brutal, evil-loving, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lascivious "nice guys" can be
- pastors
- elders
- deacons
- grandpas
- uncles
- brothers
- dads
- husbands
- bosses
- sons
- friends
- church-goers
- executives
- delivery men
- neighbors
Foolish or Wise?
The book of Proverbs is very helpful in listing behaviors that help us distinguish fools from wise men. The list of evil actions and attitudes above characterizes fools because they say "no" to God, they do not walk in His ways, they are unrepentant and unaccountable for their deeds.
Let's Get Real
Only when we step out of fantasy and into reality can we walk in truth. Just because we want things (and people) to be a certain way doesn't make it so. We do ourselves injustice by living in denial, by blaming ourselves, or by justifying or minimizing someone else's toxic character as demonstrated by their behavior.
You cannot change someone else (only God can do that!), but you CAN change the way you respond to them. The first step is being honest. You can totally honor and respect a person while believing the truth about them. You can then take steps to avoid the person (2 Timothy 3:5) by refusing to contribute to their behavior, especially the toxic effects toward you.
**********
*If the "nice guy" you're experiencing is your husband, you'll need someone to walk with you in wisdom to determine how you can best glorify God in your relationship without bringing further harm or enabling the damage. I recommend subscribing to resources at LeslieVernick.com.
For a helpful resource on dealing with fools in your life, click HERE.
Get free weekly articles by email! Click HERE. Your Info will never be shared.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 2.28.23