Codependence, Enmeshment, and Trauma Bonding
When two people relate to one another in a way that inhibits individual freedom, an unhealthy pattern may be going on. On the surface, it's easy to mistake trauma bonding for codependence or enmeshment, because in each case, both (or all) parties are depending upon the other(s) to meet emotional needs, and their lives are so intertwined that the cycle cannot easily be disrupted, even for the good of the individual(s). These are each distinct pathologies, though they may be interrelated by having characteristics of each other. Some similarities include:
*Relationship where independence and interdependence are non-existent because neither party can function without contact with the other
*Each party is convinced that they cannot live without the other, either because of need, or needing to be needed
*People in the relationship are inseparable in a destructive cycle of enabling behavior
*Inordinate fear of loss of the other party
*A power imbalance exists to keep at least one party in bondage to another
*Inability to make personal decisions and choices without the input of the other
Codependence
In layman's terms, codependence is when each person in a circular relationship where one person needs another, who in turn needs to be needed. At least one of the people in the relationship feels like he/she cannot possibly live without the other person. Even if one party does not like the effect the other person has on him/her, he/she still falls prey to the wishes, desires, and manipulation of the other. Codependence can exist between any two or more people; whole families and cults can be caught up in the idea that survival depends on the presence of specific others.
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (now called Factitious Disorder by Proxy) is one extreme example of codependence. It is when one party facilitates illness (or dependence) in another to meet one's own "need to be needed". This disorder is considered child abuse, but can easily extend into the child's adulthood. For example, an adult daughter with depressive and anxiety issues called her mother nightly to moan for hours on the phone. Rather than help the daughter find ways to cope with her emotional health, the mother made herself available to her daughter (at the expense of other family and social needs), perpetuating the cycle of need by "needing to be needed".
Codependence can exist in any type of relationship. Humans find whatever means necessary to meet their own need for belonging, even if it means uniting with others on what they are all against (unhealthy team mentality). Some fall prey to codependence because they lack the emotional energy or social skills to venture out into new, healthy relationships (often because the perpetrator has kept them from doing so).
Enmeshment
Enmeshment happens when one person's identity is tied to another person's identity, and their lives are so intertwined that one person vicariously experiences the other's life experience. Often, each knows inappropriate or intimate details of the other's life, and the effect of one's experience is equally shared with both. For example, in one family the father and daughter's enmeshment resulted from a mutual disdain for the mother's addictions and errant behavior. The codependence had escalated to enmeshment as evidenced by the daughter being something like a "surrogate wife" for the father. The father included the daughter in intimate details regarding his medical condition and his relationship with his wife, seeking to gain the emotional support that the wife should have given. The daughter felt that her father could not survive without her; in truth, her parent's marriage had no hope of reconciliation as long as she served as an emotional outlet for her father. In turn, the father could not bear to let the daughter develop a life of her own: in her twenties, the daughter lacked a high school education, a job, and sometimes transportation. She lived at home, fulfilling tasks on the mother's behalf while both she and her father navigated the difficulties each experienced with the mother.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a survival mechanism (a "fawning" response to crisis) wherein the victim resigns herself/himself to captivity, cooperating with the perpetrator and becoming a functional member of the relationship to avoid further harm. Stockholm Syndrome is one example of trauma bonding. When one person has been repeatedly traumatized by another, he/she will often seek to maintain perceived "control" by acquiescing to the other's desires in order to "keep the peace". To a rational mind, this is capitulation, or "giving in", because it's ludicrous to think that you can have any control in a relationship where control has been maintained by the other. For example, if the perpetrator of trauma has always uses manipulation, anger, or deception to get his/her way, and also controls an aspect of the victim's livelihood (income, sustenance, medical needs), then the victim, in fact, has no control, and anything he/she does to "keep peace" actually maintains the power imbalance. Often, the victim feels compassion for the perpetrator, and capitulates to the perpetrator's desires with the deluded sense that there is hope for improved relationship, and that he/she will be accepted by the perpetrator.
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© Julie Knapp 2022
*Relationship where independence and interdependence are non-existent because neither party can function without contact with the other
*Each party is convinced that they cannot live without the other, either because of need, or needing to be needed
*People in the relationship are inseparable in a destructive cycle of enabling behavior
*Inordinate fear of loss of the other party
*A power imbalance exists to keep at least one party in bondage to another
*Inability to make personal decisions and choices without the input of the other
Codependence
In layman's terms, codependence is when each person in a circular relationship where one person needs another, who in turn needs to be needed. At least one of the people in the relationship feels like he/she cannot possibly live without the other person. Even if one party does not like the effect the other person has on him/her, he/she still falls prey to the wishes, desires, and manipulation of the other. Codependence can exist between any two or more people; whole families and cults can be caught up in the idea that survival depends on the presence of specific others.
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (now called Factitious Disorder by Proxy) is one extreme example of codependence. It is when one party facilitates illness (or dependence) in another to meet one's own "need to be needed". This disorder is considered child abuse, but can easily extend into the child's adulthood. For example, an adult daughter with depressive and anxiety issues called her mother nightly to moan for hours on the phone. Rather than help the daughter find ways to cope with her emotional health, the mother made herself available to her daughter (at the expense of other family and social needs), perpetuating the cycle of need by "needing to be needed".
Codependence can exist in any type of relationship. Humans find whatever means necessary to meet their own need for belonging, even if it means uniting with others on what they are all against (unhealthy team mentality). Some fall prey to codependence because they lack the emotional energy or social skills to venture out into new, healthy relationships (often because the perpetrator has kept them from doing so).
Enmeshment
Enmeshment happens when one person's identity is tied to another person's identity, and their lives are so intertwined that one person vicariously experiences the other's life experience. Often, each knows inappropriate or intimate details of the other's life, and the effect of one's experience is equally shared with both. For example, in one family the father and daughter's enmeshment resulted from a mutual disdain for the mother's addictions and errant behavior. The codependence had escalated to enmeshment as evidenced by the daughter being something like a "surrogate wife" for the father. The father included the daughter in intimate details regarding his medical condition and his relationship with his wife, seeking to gain the emotional support that the wife should have given. The daughter felt that her father could not survive without her; in truth, her parent's marriage had no hope of reconciliation as long as she served as an emotional outlet for her father. In turn, the father could not bear to let the daughter develop a life of her own: in her twenties, the daughter lacked a high school education, a job, and sometimes transportation. She lived at home, fulfilling tasks on the mother's behalf while both she and her father navigated the difficulties each experienced with the mother.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a survival mechanism (a "fawning" response to crisis) wherein the victim resigns herself/himself to captivity, cooperating with the perpetrator and becoming a functional member of the relationship to avoid further harm. Stockholm Syndrome is one example of trauma bonding. When one person has been repeatedly traumatized by another, he/she will often seek to maintain perceived "control" by acquiescing to the other's desires in order to "keep the peace". To a rational mind, this is capitulation, or "giving in", because it's ludicrous to think that you can have any control in a relationship where control has been maintained by the other. For example, if the perpetrator of trauma has always uses manipulation, anger, or deception to get his/her way, and also controls an aspect of the victim's livelihood (income, sustenance, medical needs), then the victim, in fact, has no control, and anything he/she does to "keep peace" actually maintains the power imbalance. Often, the victim feels compassion for the perpetrator, and capitulates to the perpetrator's desires with the deluded sense that there is hope for improved relationship, and that he/she will be accepted by the perpetrator.
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
© Julie Knapp 2022