Conflict and Restoration
Q: I am learning about my Big Circle (Leslie Vernick idea) and how my feelings/thoughts are not "me". I acted out of my feelings last night and hurt my daughter. I had been away for two days and she was excited to see me/welcome me home. Rather than be excited, happy and show her love, I turned from the happy person I had been all day to anger when I saw she hadn't done something I had asked and she was asking me about dinner as soon as I walked in the door. She didn't deserve the mom she got who was mean and demanding. I have apologized but I still feel absolutely horrible. My children both tell me to drop it. That it was yesterday and to move on. My parents both were mean to me growing up and I am wondering if my wanting to somehow make it up to them when I mess up is related to that, somehow punishing myself and if just dropping it and then acting normal/loving is the best course of action in a normal healthy mom/daughter relationship. Makes me think I am continually mental because I will be loving, kind, patient and then out of the blue, I am a nightmare. I want to act in my Big Circle but I keep messing up. What is the right thing to do? Is it right to just drop it? Is that the normal/healthy response? Am I attempting to punish myself by wanting to make it up? Is just saying sorry and moving on the healthy response. I keep thinking it is my kids just pushing down their anger but maybe it's just me.
A: Besides acting in our "big circle", that is, living our core values, it's also good to remember God's grace for you and others, and His sovereignty over all that happens. All these truths can be held at the same time:
Integrity: having our behaviors match our core beliefs (becoming integrated)--this is always going to be a work in progress, as the Holy Spirit reminds us to let Him control our reactions/responses instead of acting out of old habits/patterns in a fleshly way.
Grace: God knows we are not perfect. When He looks at us, He sees Jesus, not our sinfulness, because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. He does not hold our failings against us, but removes them. He chooses to look at us, not our sin, to restore our connection with Him so that shame does not separate us. He allows us to live in freedom from our sin, so that we do not return to the bondage of the memory of our sin. I guess we could say, we have to forgive ourselves if God already did!
Sovereignty: God knew all about us before He created the world, and He already had a plan of redemption in place. Not only did He redeem our lives from sin, He also redeems the sin we commit and the sin committed against us, turning it from ashes into beauty. Where there is any hint of "death", His resurrection power brings life back. So every time we sin, He uses the evil for good. In this case, He gives an opportunity for restoration and reconciliation.
In healthy relationships, conflict is a tool for greater connection. We each learn something about the other person, and we learn something about ourselves. Once we have a better understanding of what's going on, and choose forgiveness, we can be closer than before.
"Letting it go" or "Dropping it" may be the best answer for someone who has sinned against us but is not in close relationship with us, but a better answer for those interacting on a regular basis is an honest conversation.
For example, when I react wrongly with my husband, I say something like this: "My response to you was inappropriate, wrong, and unChrist-like. I can see how that's harmful to you. That's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. I love you, and do not want to cause harm, so I'll be intentionally practicing a better way to respond by listening to the Holy Spirit and having Him guide my responses."
What it's NOT: groveling. I'm not lowering myself to a below-human level, and certainly not doing obeisance to an "authority" figure. I'm not changing any power dynamic or relational dynamic.
What it IS: being honest and forthright. I'm calling it what it is, affirming what I believe and denying what I don't believe (values), and inviting the other person into restored relationship as a fellow image-bearer.
I did this recently with my daughter, and God saw fit to restore our connection with each other. Even when I thought that the effort had "failed", I had peace that I had done what God wanted me to do, and the relationship was in His hands. I relinquished control to Him, and He did the restoring.
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©2022 Julianne Knapp. 10.22.22
A: Besides acting in our "big circle", that is, living our core values, it's also good to remember God's grace for you and others, and His sovereignty over all that happens. All these truths can be held at the same time:
Integrity: having our behaviors match our core beliefs (becoming integrated)--this is always going to be a work in progress, as the Holy Spirit reminds us to let Him control our reactions/responses instead of acting out of old habits/patterns in a fleshly way.
Grace: God knows we are not perfect. When He looks at us, He sees Jesus, not our sinfulness, because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. He does not hold our failings against us, but removes them. He chooses to look at us, not our sin, to restore our connection with Him so that shame does not separate us. He allows us to live in freedom from our sin, so that we do not return to the bondage of the memory of our sin. I guess we could say, we have to forgive ourselves if God already did!
Sovereignty: God knew all about us before He created the world, and He already had a plan of redemption in place. Not only did He redeem our lives from sin, He also redeems the sin we commit and the sin committed against us, turning it from ashes into beauty. Where there is any hint of "death", His resurrection power brings life back. So every time we sin, He uses the evil for good. In this case, He gives an opportunity for restoration and reconciliation.
In healthy relationships, conflict is a tool for greater connection. We each learn something about the other person, and we learn something about ourselves. Once we have a better understanding of what's going on, and choose forgiveness, we can be closer than before.
"Letting it go" or "Dropping it" may be the best answer for someone who has sinned against us but is not in close relationship with us, but a better answer for those interacting on a regular basis is an honest conversation.
For example, when I react wrongly with my husband, I say something like this: "My response to you was inappropriate, wrong, and unChrist-like. I can see how that's harmful to you. That's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. I love you, and do not want to cause harm, so I'll be intentionally practicing a better way to respond by listening to the Holy Spirit and having Him guide my responses."
What it's NOT: groveling. I'm not lowering myself to a below-human level, and certainly not doing obeisance to an "authority" figure. I'm not changing any power dynamic or relational dynamic.
What it IS: being honest and forthright. I'm calling it what it is, affirming what I believe and denying what I don't believe (values), and inviting the other person into restored relationship as a fellow image-bearer.
I did this recently with my daughter, and God saw fit to restore our connection with each other. Even when I thought that the effort had "failed", I had peace that I had done what God wanted me to do, and the relationship was in His hands. I relinquished control to Him, and He did the restoring.
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
©2022 Julianne Knapp. 10.22.22