Grace for Parents of Adult Children
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ~ Matthew 6:33
Gone are the days when you could stuff them into your minivan, cover them at bedtime, feed them their favorite meal, and cheer them on at their recital or ball game. They are in God's hands now, and you watch their lives from the sidelines.
Relationships with adult children can be complicated, especially now when so many of our offspring are making dangerous choices, "deconstructing", or even "deleting" their parents. I wonder if there has been such a time in history when so many parents experienced the pain of adult children who are "away"?
Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more common for adult children to reject their parents' values and even their parents. Combine social pressure with their growing up in a highly dysfunctional home (absentee parent, abuse, neglect, religious trauma, patriarchy, authoritarianism, etc.) and you have the perfect recipe for "cancel culture" enacted even on the most well-meaning, loving parent.
We can't change our kids' past, but we can own our part in their suffering without enabling them to repeat the patterns they grew up with. God can reverse generational cycles when we cooperate with Him for our own growth, so that blessing can occur in our lives and our children's lives when they see evidence of His work.
Grace for You
If you are in the unenviable position of waiting on God to do a work in your adult child's heart, you are not alone. Nor are you responsible for their choices. As a parent, you did the best you could with what you had, and God knows this. Part of His plan is helping you know that you never were in control so that you can grow in humility and your dependence on Him.
While you wait for our loving, sovereign God to work in your child(ren's) heart(s), here are some things that will help:
Grace for Them
No matter where on the spectrum your relationship with your adult child is (great communication to strained communication to no communication), give them grace. They are now responsible for their choices and they need to know you love them unconditionally. If they have endured the trauma of parental divorce (no judgment), domestic violence, or attachment issues, they are struggling to make sense of life. You can help them by
Maybe this experience of being the parent of your adult child isn’t exactly what you had in mind. Life rarely turns out the way we expect it to! But this is your reality, your experience. You can’t change the past, but you CAN move forward in truth and grace. You CAN grow in faith and trust in our Father who has everything under control, even when it feels like it’s spinning out of control. You CAN experience peace and freedom that comes with giving your fears and expectations over to God.
Just in case you need this tidbit: it’s okay to grieve the loss of your expectation. You have healthy, loving, righteous desires, and you’re struggling to make sense of your reality. God is with you, bringing plenty of grace. It’s okay to not be okay; see it as an invitation to relate to Christ and His suffering, as He relates to you in yours.
Resources to Help
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The prequel to this article is HERE.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 8.1.23
Gone are the days when you could stuff them into your minivan, cover them at bedtime, feed them their favorite meal, and cheer them on at their recital or ball game. They are in God's hands now, and you watch their lives from the sidelines.
Relationships with adult children can be complicated, especially now when so many of our offspring are making dangerous choices, "deconstructing", or even "deleting" their parents. I wonder if there has been such a time in history when so many parents experienced the pain of adult children who are "away"?
Unfortunately, it is becoming more and more common for adult children to reject their parents' values and even their parents. Combine social pressure with their growing up in a highly dysfunctional home (absentee parent, abuse, neglect, religious trauma, patriarchy, authoritarianism, etc.) and you have the perfect recipe for "cancel culture" enacted even on the most well-meaning, loving parent.
We can't change our kids' past, but we can own our part in their suffering without enabling them to repeat the patterns they grew up with. God can reverse generational cycles when we cooperate with Him for our own growth, so that blessing can occur in our lives and our children's lives when they see evidence of His work.
Grace for You
If you are in the unenviable position of waiting on God to do a work in your adult child's heart, you are not alone. Nor are you responsible for their choices. As a parent, you did the best you could with what you had, and God knows this. Part of His plan is helping you know that you never were in control so that you can grow in humility and your dependence on Him.
While you wait for our loving, sovereign God to work in your child(ren's) heart(s), here are some things that will help:
- Never underestimate the power of prayer for your child. God hears, sees, and knows. He gives you the gift of His presence, and loves your child more than you do. He also desires for them to repent and follow Him. Pray for their heart instead of outcomes.
- Help someone else's child. Chances are, you are not in a position to help your own child – someone else will be called to that task (pray for that person!). Meanwhile, you can invest in others.
- Live a full life. Have your own set of friends. Have fun! Develop your own skills and interests.Just because you're waiting doesn't mean your life should stop.
- Lean into growth and healing. Develop your understanding of self-awareness and relational dynamics. Get a counselor or develop friendships with other parents of "away" children. Gather to support each other and pray for them.
- Check your heart for any idolatry going on. We can easily focus so much on our desire for relationship with our children that we ignore God's calling for deeper relationship with Him. In fact, He is using your current experience to this end.
Grace for Them
No matter where on the spectrum your relationship with your adult child is (great communication to strained communication to no communication), give them grace. They are now responsible for their choices and they need to know you love them unconditionally. If they have endured the trauma of parental divorce (no judgment), domestic violence, or attachment issues, they are struggling to make sense of life. You can help them by
- Asserting their personhood and freedom without affirming their choices
- Respecting them as capable adults
- Supporting what you can support, stay silent on what you can't
- Investing in their growth (offer to pay for counseling; gift them with helpful resources)
- Listening to them without judgment or criticism; listening for understanding of their perspective; listening for areas of need so you can pray specifically
- Telling them you love them, and you're there for them when they're ready
- Refraining from offering your unsolicited opinions or advice
- Letting them find their way without enabling co-dependent behavior with you
- Modeling appropriate adult boundaries. Treat them as adults, expect them to “pull their own weight”, do not become their doormat. Allow them the experience of becoming independent adults.
Maybe this experience of being the parent of your adult child isn’t exactly what you had in mind. Life rarely turns out the way we expect it to! But this is your reality, your experience. You can’t change the past, but you CAN move forward in truth and grace. You CAN grow in faith and trust in our Father who has everything under control, even when it feels like it’s spinning out of control. You CAN experience peace and freedom that comes with giving your fears and expectations over to God.
Just in case you need this tidbit: it’s okay to grieve the loss of your expectation. You have healthy, loving, righteous desires, and you’re struggling to make sense of your reality. God is with you, bringing plenty of grace. It’s okay to not be okay; see it as an invitation to relate to Christ and His suffering, as He relates to you in yours.
Resources to Help
- If you're experiencing the heartbreak of a child gone rogue, THIS BOOK will be a comfort to you. Co-authored by a mother-and-son duo, it tells the story of a son's return from sinful extremes after years of his mother's careful and consistent prayer.
- For better ways to communicate on serious topics with mutual respect, I recommend THIS BOOK.
- To promote healthy relationships with adult children without falling back into unhelpful patterns, THIS BOOK is crucial.
- If you need perspective on shielding yourself from emotional and psychological harm from adult children, THIS BOOK is a great pick!
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The prequel to this article is HERE.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 8.1.23