Help for Victims of Domestic Violence
As National Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, it’s helpful to consider ways we can follow the biblical command to “visit the widows (emotionally abandoned women) and fatherless (their children) in their affliction” (James 1:27), [which, by the way, is one of the primary functions of the church].
One-third of the women in your church have already or will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. You know at least one of them: she looks Just. Like. You. She may have never said a word about it; she may not have any labels; she may be terrorized with fear. Her “cover” is making everything look normal––portraying the model “Christian” family. If anyone ever finds out, she knows she has a lot to lose.
The children of each of these women are also affected. What are they supposed to think? Is it normal to live in a household dominated by coercive control? Is this how men are supposed to treat women? Is it their fault they can’t defend mom? Why doesn’t mom protect them? What is God like?
What The Bible Says About Oppression
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. ~ Psalm 82:3
Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them. ~ Ecc. 4:1
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror. ~ Ps. 10:18
Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow. ~ Isaiah 1:17
The Lord performs righteous deeds and judgments for all who are oppressed. ~ Ps. 103:6
May he vindicate the afflicted of the people, save the children of the needy and crush the oppressor. ~ Ps. 72:4
What You Should Know
What Do Survivors Need?
Facts Regarding Domestic Violence
One-third of the women in your church have already or will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. You know at least one of them: she looks Just. Like. You. She may have never said a word about it; she may not have any labels; she may be terrorized with fear. Her “cover” is making everything look normal––portraying the model “Christian” family. If anyone ever finds out, she knows she has a lot to lose.
The children of each of these women are also affected. What are they supposed to think? Is it normal to live in a household dominated by coercive control? Is this how men are supposed to treat women? Is it their fault they can’t defend mom? Why doesn’t mom protect them? What is God like?
What The Bible Says About Oppression
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. ~ Psalm 82:3
Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them. ~ Ecc. 4:1
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror. ~ Ps. 10:18
Learn to do good; seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow. ~ Isaiah 1:17
The Lord performs righteous deeds and judgments for all who are oppressed. ~ Ps. 103:6
May he vindicate the afflicted of the people, save the children of the needy and crush the oppressor. ~ Ps. 72:4
What You Should Know
- She may look okay on the outside, but her insides are fragile
- She is scanning every environment for cues of safety or threat, so
- Small acts of kindness go a long way toward building trust
- Avoidance, to her, feels like rejection, abandonment, ostracization, indifference, and isolation
- She is struggling to make life changing decisions in a compromised mental state (survival)
- She is not to blame for the abuse foisted on her and her children
- She would not leave her home except under extreme circumstances, and if she does, it is the hardest thing she has ever had to do
- Her wounds may be emotional, psychological, and spiritual rather than visible, so
- Respect her, believe her, and help her get on her feet
- These are the worst days of her life, and it may get harder as she faces the future
- Platitudes and Bible verses may harm more than help
- While you are not her savior, the small ways you help can reflect
- her real Savior
- You can’t understand what has happened behind the closed door of her home, so don’t assume anything––this is her experience, not yours
- Though a survivor may be in a vulnerable position, she may not be a weak person
- She may not choose to leave, and it isn’t your goal to make her do so. Just be her friend. However, if she does choose to escape, here are some helpful tips:
What Do Survivors Need?
- Safe shelter. If a woman is fleeing her home, she is living in the most dangerous period of her life. She may need shelter for herself, children, and perhaps pets. Be careful not to disclose her whereabouts, for her abuser may come and cause trouble for everyone.
- Food and groceries. Often, due to economic oppression, it takes time for a woman to build an income that provides for her family. Groceries, gift cards, and invitations to meals are welcome blessings.
- Qualified counseling. Many women cannot afford therapy, but their survival depends on getting help. In order to function well and build a future, they need a qualified therapist to walk them from devastation to healing.
- Medical help. In my own oppressive environment, I had not seen a doctor or dentist for over 20 years–everyone in my family had medical help except me. There had been no programs or economic resources for my needs.
- Friends. Often, an exodus from domestic violence means the loss of all former friends, some family members, and church home–because the DV happened in a system. New relationships take time to build, and survivors need compassionate people to befriend them where they are.
- Child care. A survivor may be facing court dates and counseling appointments, or she may need some time to recharge. Safe child care is a godsend to her.
- Money. It’s not easy to start life over with nothing. A survivor may have to purchase kitchen supplies, furniture, appliances, or a vehicle to get to work. See what she needs, and respect her preferences if you’re donating used items.
- Long-term housing. Eventually, a survivor will have to set up housekeeping in a stable, affordable environment.
Facts Regarding Domestic Violence
- When you think of an abused person, you may imagine a down-and-outer who brought this on herself. But many victims are well-educated people who made the same relational decision anyone would have––the abuser was a clever deceiver–and perhaps religious.
- Survivors didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. They couldn’t have known what they didn’t know when they entered the relationship.
- Abusers don’t look like the “bad guy”--in fact, they may be the most handsome, clean-cut, church-going people you could ever meet. And it’s likely that they’ve worked themselves into a position that gives them credibility, like deacon, elder, or pastor. They do this to make themselves more believable.
- If a child has witnessed his parent’s abuse, it counts as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), often resulting in trauma.
- Emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse all count as physical abuse because of the physical ailments it causes: auto-immune diseases, fibromyalgia, cancer, unexplained ailments, traumatic brain injuries, and many more.
- Faith communities do a great deal of harm when they value the institution of marriage over the safety of individuals. No command of scripture mandates that a person should suffer abuse in marriage.
- Safety of the victims is of primary importance
- It’s not uncommon for a survivor to experience PTSD
- ©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 10.24.23