Helping Her Get Free
One in three or four women you know are (or will be) victims of domestic violence. They are experts at hiding their suffering: it is how they survive. Or they may believe their experience is normal, but they work overtime to make everything look okay. Whatever the situation, there may come a time when you can be an instrument of grace and truth. I pray you take that opportunity.
Practically nobody enters marriage with a Plan B; getting out when it has become dangerous is like stepping out onto an invisible bridge above a deep chasm. It helps if others are on the bridge with you: compassionate friends, spiritual leaders, or others who have been there before; you have to lean on their faith when yours is shaken to the core.
A victim of domestic violence is caught in a trap: she is relationally enslaved. It’s likely that these factors keep her from seeking freedom:
She doesn’t want to lose the relationship or her identity in it
She lacks financial security and access to marital funds
She doesn’t have an income that will immediately meet her needs
She wishes to protect her children
She is isolated from friends and family; her abuser closely monitors her
She can’t get housing on her own
She may not have reliable transportation
Her life is unsustainable apart from her abuser
She may have a medical condition that requires help
If you are in the sacred position of helping a woman escape her violent relationship, these three reminders can support your efforts:
She thinks she’s crazy because she’s trying to reconcile two opposite universes: her experience and her beliefs. Her experience tells her she’s in danger while her beliefs tell her any number of errors: she’s at fault, she has to “submit”; the “God hates divorce” lie; she will be out of the will of God if she leaves; etc. Her abuser(s) reinforce these beliefs through gaslighting, spiritualizing her abuse (twisting Scripture to foist an oppressive narrative), sheer force of domination, patriarchal systems, and toxic faith communities.
A victim of domestic violence is often traumatized: she may be in shock, confused, experiencing drastic mood swings, expressing strong emotions. Her oppression will have triggered survival responses in her brain, so it comes as no surprise if she feels sympathy toward her oppressor. It’s okay to let her be whatever she feels in the moment: remember, she doesn’t have another safe space to just “be”. You don’t have to convince her of anything, and trying to do so will complicate or compromise her situation.
A victim attempting to leave her violent relationship is in immediate danger: it is during this time that she is many times more likely to suffer physical harm from her abuser. Homicide or suicide are not off the table. Typically, a victim will attempt to leave her abuser seven times before she is able to stay away. Each time she returns, the danger escalates as her abuser doubles down on controlling behavior.
Always express your concern for her (and her children’s) physical, emotional, and psychological safety. In addition to needing shelter, groceries, clothing, transportation, and money, she needs freedom to think for herself, make wise decisions, and enter into a support system.
Help her make a safety plan (see HERE and HERE), including immediate and long-term arrangements. She needs people she can call anytime, day or night if she is in danger: trauma informed pastors, kind and caring neighbors, close friends, civil authorities. She will also need a financial plan, a housing plan, a legal plan, and a counseling plan.
For a woman trapped in a cycle of domestic violence, life has never been more confusing. Her desire for peace and the reality she lives are at odds. She desperately wants to believe her oppressor(s) will change if she just hangs in there long enough. If she is in a faith community, it is likely that she is a victim of many layers of spiritual abuse: that is, a spiritual leader has twisted and misused scripture to keep her enslaved: her view of God has been grossly distorted.
The Bible instructs us on the nature of fools and the danger of being aligned with them (spouse or not). 1 Cor. 5:11 tells us if a person exhibits these characteristics––sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous (addicted), slandering (spreading evil word about someone, especially the victim), alcoholism, swindling (deceiver)––we are not even to eat with them (let alone live with them). God has already given a permission slip to escape such a person as this.
Help her recognize God’s truth regarding divorce (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), if that is her fear. Divorce is a precious gift to people who are married to an unrepentant, violent person. Jesus came to set us free and give us an abundant life. A marriage is not more valuable than the people in it.
A woman caught in a web of deceit, violence, and oppression may need your help in getting connected to other truth-tellers. She is weighed down by the lie she lives in 24/7, so we want her to have every opportunity for the light of truth to break through. If she is on Facebook, here are some people/organizations to follow:
Andrew J. Bauman
Patrick Weaver Ministries
Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman
Psalm 82 Initiative (Thomas Pryde)
Leslie Vernick
Thriving Forward (Emily Elizabeth Anderson)
Connect her to other safe friends who will relentlessly check in on her so she knows she is on someone’s radar.
Encourage her to seek trauma-informed counseling.
If her email account is secure, encourage her to sign up for newsletters that advocate for truth and safety, such as:
HeresTheJoy.com with Rebecca Davis
LeslieVernick.com
MadeForGrace.net
©2024 Julianne Knapp. First published 1.23.24
Practically nobody enters marriage with a Plan B; getting out when it has become dangerous is like stepping out onto an invisible bridge above a deep chasm. It helps if others are on the bridge with you: compassionate friends, spiritual leaders, or others who have been there before; you have to lean on their faith when yours is shaken to the core.
A victim of domestic violence is caught in a trap: she is relationally enslaved. It’s likely that these factors keep her from seeking freedom:
She doesn’t want to lose the relationship or her identity in it
She lacks financial security and access to marital funds
She doesn’t have an income that will immediately meet her needs
She wishes to protect her children
She is isolated from friends and family; her abuser closely monitors her
She can’t get housing on her own
She may not have reliable transportation
Her life is unsustainable apart from her abuser
She may have a medical condition that requires help
If you are in the sacred position of helping a woman escape her violent relationship, these three reminders can support your efforts:
- Believe Her
She thinks she’s crazy because she’s trying to reconcile two opposite universes: her experience and her beliefs. Her experience tells her she’s in danger while her beliefs tell her any number of errors: she’s at fault, she has to “submit”; the “God hates divorce” lie; she will be out of the will of God if she leaves; etc. Her abuser(s) reinforce these beliefs through gaslighting, spiritualizing her abuse (twisting Scripture to foist an oppressive narrative), sheer force of domination, patriarchal systems, and toxic faith communities.
A victim of domestic violence is often traumatized: she may be in shock, confused, experiencing drastic mood swings, expressing strong emotions. Her oppression will have triggered survival responses in her brain, so it comes as no surprise if she feels sympathy toward her oppressor. It’s okay to let her be whatever she feels in the moment: remember, she doesn’t have another safe space to just “be”. You don’t have to convince her of anything, and trying to do so will complicate or compromise her situation.
- Advocate for Her Safety
A victim attempting to leave her violent relationship is in immediate danger: it is during this time that she is many times more likely to suffer physical harm from her abuser. Homicide or suicide are not off the table. Typically, a victim will attempt to leave her abuser seven times before she is able to stay away. Each time she returns, the danger escalates as her abuser doubles down on controlling behavior.
Always express your concern for her (and her children’s) physical, emotional, and psychological safety. In addition to needing shelter, groceries, clothing, transportation, and money, she needs freedom to think for herself, make wise decisions, and enter into a support system.
Help her make a safety plan (see HERE and HERE), including immediate and long-term arrangements. She needs people she can call anytime, day or night if she is in danger: trauma informed pastors, kind and caring neighbors, close friends, civil authorities. She will also need a financial plan, a housing plan, a legal plan, and a counseling plan.
- Point Her to Truth
For a woman trapped in a cycle of domestic violence, life has never been more confusing. Her desire for peace and the reality she lives are at odds. She desperately wants to believe her oppressor(s) will change if she just hangs in there long enough. If she is in a faith community, it is likely that she is a victim of many layers of spiritual abuse: that is, a spiritual leader has twisted and misused scripture to keep her enslaved: her view of God has been grossly distorted.
The Bible instructs us on the nature of fools and the danger of being aligned with them (spouse or not). 1 Cor. 5:11 tells us if a person exhibits these characteristics––sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous (addicted), slandering (spreading evil word about someone, especially the victim), alcoholism, swindling (deceiver)––we are not even to eat with them (let alone live with them). God has already given a permission slip to escape such a person as this.
Help her recognize God’s truth regarding divorce (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), if that is her fear. Divorce is a precious gift to people who are married to an unrepentant, violent person. Jesus came to set us free and give us an abundant life. A marriage is not more valuable than the people in it.
A woman caught in a web of deceit, violence, and oppression may need your help in getting connected to other truth-tellers. She is weighed down by the lie she lives in 24/7, so we want her to have every opportunity for the light of truth to break through. If she is on Facebook, here are some people/organizations to follow:
Andrew J. Bauman
Patrick Weaver Ministries
Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman
Psalm 82 Initiative (Thomas Pryde)
Leslie Vernick
Thriving Forward (Emily Elizabeth Anderson)
Connect her to other safe friends who will relentlessly check in on her so she knows she is on someone’s radar.
Encourage her to seek trauma-informed counseling.
If her email account is secure, encourage her to sign up for newsletters that advocate for truth and safety, such as:
HeresTheJoy.com with Rebecca Davis
LeslieVernick.com
MadeForGrace.net
©2024 Julianne Knapp. First published 1.23.24