How Can You Tell if She is in Distress?
How Can You Tell If She is in Distress?
When my children were young, we had pet birds. One time, Toby, the cockatiel seemed a little off. He wasn’t as active as usual, but we just couldn’t put our finger on what might be wrong. I finally took him to an avian vet, where I learned that he had the equivalent of a cold virus--a very dangerous condition for animals that have small nasal passages. The vet treated him, though she said that she couldn’t guarantee the outcome. We learned that birds have the uncanny ability to hide symptoms of illness--a gift from God to keep them from being vulnerable to predators. By the time signs of sickness become obvious, the bird could be near death. Fortunately for us, Toby recovered and lived to the expected life span of his breed.
Women who are in an abusive marriage are also able to effectively hide their distress. They do so for survival because their world is so precarious, unstable, and confusing that trusting someone could literally be a life or death decision. Oppressed women are expert at blending in with others. They usually look pretty much just like the crowd they are in, and if their abuser is not around, you might actually get to see a little of their real personality. They may look like they “have it all together”--all their children are well cared-for, their clothes are neat, they “did their homework”.
When the pressure of a destructive relationship starts to be overwhelming for a person (which may take up to 30 years due to varying factors), it’s not uncommon for a woman to become depressed, anxious, hyper-vigilant, emotionally reactive, or panicky. She may be able to cover up even these symptoms for the brief times she is in public. She believes she must, at ALL costs, hide the shame she feels for not living up to society’s expectations, and the blame with which she accuses herself of her plight. (The cycle of abuse operates on psychological oppression, not logic.)
Being aware of the possibility that a woman in crisis may be in your midst is the first step toward being a “safe place” for her. Extend kindness to everyone, and do not assume you know what another person’s pain is like, because you don’t. The suffering you have experienced is unique to you, and another person’s suffering is unique to them. You and I do not hold the answers to another person’s problems. Even a well-meant Scripture quote can be devastating to a person who is confused about God, life, and her place in the world. Assuming everyone around you is okay because they look okay can result in harm for the most vulnerable. Favoritism toward those you hold in high regard can trigger a beaten-down person, reinforcing their perception and belief that they are worthless.
Below is not an exhaustive list of micro-behaviors a woman in crisis may exhibit; however, they can be signals that a woman is seeking help in the tiniest of ways. In interactions with everyone, use the motto: “Do no harm; leave them better than you found them.” If you are privileged to sit with someone in her distress, simply listen quietly. Giving advice is dangerous and damaging to her. Pray with her and then offer to introduce her to someone you know is trained in successfully navigating life from her perspective. It is important to clue in safe people who can connect her, if necessary, to appropriate resources (professional or protective). Here are some signs that could indicate distress:
*Tears (when no one else seems to be emotionally affected)
*Reluctance to share experiences with others
*Looking down a lot (she is overwhelmed by visual input or feels worthless)
*Talking a lot (she is deflecting attention away from her hurt by maintaining a noise level to distract you)
*Inappropriate reactions/responses (a major reaction to a minor event means that her issue is not about something in her current context, but a trigger to a past hurt)
*Standing or sitting alone
*Furtive glances (she is reading the room to determine who might be “safe”)
*Little comments that may indicate that she is not a free agent (“too busy” to get together; “my husband wouldn’t want . . .”; “I’m not sure . . .”; etc.)
*Comments that reflect her negative self-worth: berating herself, words that show lack of confidence or value of her own thoughts, actions; second-guessing herself all the time; etc.
*General sadness
*Anger (feeling out of control that she can help her situation)
*Over-the-top control in areas she can control to compensate for life areas she can’t control
*Inability to articulate her thoughts verbally or identify what’s wrong (trauma brain)
Domestic violence is rife in contexts of homeschooling communities, conservative (especially fundamental) Christian circles, and among families associated with first responders (especially the police force). These cultures generally have patriarchal and authoritarian beliefs, which is a breeding ground for coercive control and male dominance. Many, if not most women in religious circles who are in a dangerous domestic life are also suffering from spiritual abuse (church leaders and authority figures using God or Scripture to maintain control by perverting the beliefs of their followers). A woman in crisis will have to change her own beliefs (she has already bought into the beliefs she’s been taught) to gain her freedom, either because she simply can’t go on OR because she sees a light of truth from Scripture about who God really is and what He’s really like.
It’s not our job to rescue women--that’s God’s job. But we can walk with them, pray with them, and direct them to others who are prepared to help them in their next steps of growth. We can also be sensitive to all women and be on the lookout for how we can show Christ’s love.
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©2021 Julianne Knapp. Originally Published 8.30.21
When my children were young, we had pet birds. One time, Toby, the cockatiel seemed a little off. He wasn’t as active as usual, but we just couldn’t put our finger on what might be wrong. I finally took him to an avian vet, where I learned that he had the equivalent of a cold virus--a very dangerous condition for animals that have small nasal passages. The vet treated him, though she said that she couldn’t guarantee the outcome. We learned that birds have the uncanny ability to hide symptoms of illness--a gift from God to keep them from being vulnerable to predators. By the time signs of sickness become obvious, the bird could be near death. Fortunately for us, Toby recovered and lived to the expected life span of his breed.
Women who are in an abusive marriage are also able to effectively hide their distress. They do so for survival because their world is so precarious, unstable, and confusing that trusting someone could literally be a life or death decision. Oppressed women are expert at blending in with others. They usually look pretty much just like the crowd they are in, and if their abuser is not around, you might actually get to see a little of their real personality. They may look like they “have it all together”--all their children are well cared-for, their clothes are neat, they “did their homework”.
When the pressure of a destructive relationship starts to be overwhelming for a person (which may take up to 30 years due to varying factors), it’s not uncommon for a woman to become depressed, anxious, hyper-vigilant, emotionally reactive, or panicky. She may be able to cover up even these symptoms for the brief times she is in public. She believes she must, at ALL costs, hide the shame she feels for not living up to society’s expectations, and the blame with which she accuses herself of her plight. (The cycle of abuse operates on psychological oppression, not logic.)
Being aware of the possibility that a woman in crisis may be in your midst is the first step toward being a “safe place” for her. Extend kindness to everyone, and do not assume you know what another person’s pain is like, because you don’t. The suffering you have experienced is unique to you, and another person’s suffering is unique to them. You and I do not hold the answers to another person’s problems. Even a well-meant Scripture quote can be devastating to a person who is confused about God, life, and her place in the world. Assuming everyone around you is okay because they look okay can result in harm for the most vulnerable. Favoritism toward those you hold in high regard can trigger a beaten-down person, reinforcing their perception and belief that they are worthless.
Below is not an exhaustive list of micro-behaviors a woman in crisis may exhibit; however, they can be signals that a woman is seeking help in the tiniest of ways. In interactions with everyone, use the motto: “Do no harm; leave them better than you found them.” If you are privileged to sit with someone in her distress, simply listen quietly. Giving advice is dangerous and damaging to her. Pray with her and then offer to introduce her to someone you know is trained in successfully navigating life from her perspective. It is important to clue in safe people who can connect her, if necessary, to appropriate resources (professional or protective). Here are some signs that could indicate distress:
*Tears (when no one else seems to be emotionally affected)
*Reluctance to share experiences with others
*Looking down a lot (she is overwhelmed by visual input or feels worthless)
*Talking a lot (she is deflecting attention away from her hurt by maintaining a noise level to distract you)
*Inappropriate reactions/responses (a major reaction to a minor event means that her issue is not about something in her current context, but a trigger to a past hurt)
*Standing or sitting alone
*Furtive glances (she is reading the room to determine who might be “safe”)
*Little comments that may indicate that she is not a free agent (“too busy” to get together; “my husband wouldn’t want . . .”; “I’m not sure . . .”; etc.)
*Comments that reflect her negative self-worth: berating herself, words that show lack of confidence or value of her own thoughts, actions; second-guessing herself all the time; etc.
*General sadness
*Anger (feeling out of control that she can help her situation)
*Over-the-top control in areas she can control to compensate for life areas she can’t control
*Inability to articulate her thoughts verbally or identify what’s wrong (trauma brain)
Domestic violence is rife in contexts of homeschooling communities, conservative (especially fundamental) Christian circles, and among families associated with first responders (especially the police force). These cultures generally have patriarchal and authoritarian beliefs, which is a breeding ground for coercive control and male dominance. Many, if not most women in religious circles who are in a dangerous domestic life are also suffering from spiritual abuse (church leaders and authority figures using God or Scripture to maintain control by perverting the beliefs of their followers). A woman in crisis will have to change her own beliefs (she has already bought into the beliefs she’s been taught) to gain her freedom, either because she simply can’t go on OR because she sees a light of truth from Scripture about who God really is and what He’s really like.
It’s not our job to rescue women--that’s God’s job. But we can walk with them, pray with them, and direct them to others who are prepared to help them in their next steps of growth. We can also be sensitive to all women and be on the lookout for how we can show Christ’s love.
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
©2021 Julianne Knapp. Originally Published 8.30.21