Is It Sin Or Abuse?
When does garden-variety sin against another person cross over into abuse? It’s important to discern the answer so we can appropriately name the behavior and respond with wisdom.
“I Did It My Way”
Sin. We all do it (Rom. 3:23). As much as we’d like to stop it, there are times when our flesh wins out over the Holy Spirit’s guidance to the contrary (Rom. 7:14-25). Particularly when we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.), we can take out our frustration on some innocent person, many times a member of our household. It’s been said that we hurt the ones we love the most, because they are the ones we are around most often. They see our good sides and our not-so-good sides.
Sin is going our own way (Is. 53:6). We do it because it feels good at the time or serves some purpose for us. We put our own desires above the needs of others. Or we simply take matters into our own hands without considering what God would have us do. It’s ugly, it destroys our souls, and we earn death by sinning (Rom. 6:23).
When confronted with his/her sin by the Holy Spirit or a person, a follower of Jesus will be quick to repent and ask forgiveness. He or she will acknowledge the harm inflicted by his/her sin, will express godly sorrow, and ask forgiveness. It’s also likely that this person will learn from the experience and grow into Christ-likeness by walking in repentance (turning) and faith (belief).
A Step Beyond
Abuse, however, is a pattern of sinful behavior based on the motivation to control, usually involving coercion, manipulation, deception, and/or aggressive behavior. The breeding ground for abuse is a relationship in which there is some sort of power differential: parent to child, spouse to spouse, leader to follower, larger to smaller, professional to client. When the power of one is used to satisfy that person’s own selfish purposes, abuse happens.
Sin is sin. Abuse is sin. The difference is that ongoing abuse reveals the perpetrator’s sense of entitlement, pride, lack of empathy, irresponsibility, and misuse of power. Both are forgivable. A person can repent at any time. However, it is less likely that a person who abuses will see it in his/her best interest to repent, since he/she is getting what he/she wants by virtue of the existing power imbalance.
Abuse can happen in any relational dynamic, such as the home, the workplace, or the church. An abuser may have one target or many. He or she may treat everyone deplorably, or reserve the most insidious treatment for one or a few.
How Do You Identify an Abuser?
When confronted with sinful behavior, an abuser will likely deny his/her actions, blame others for the behavior, rationalize or justify what he/she did, or minimize the effect of his/her sin. Because this sin has developed as a pattern, it has become a standard of behavior in this person’s life. While abusiveness is not who they are, it’s how they’ve chosen to be, so repentance on his/her part is extremely unlikely.
An abuser relies on power, authority, or deception to maintain control. If you express concern to an abuser regarding his/her sin, you will be brushed off, blamed, mocked, threatened, criticized, punished, targeted, or diminished in some way. Somehow, an abuser will turn the tables on you. An abuser’s idol is his/her control, and the person will not let go willingly!
All sin is grievous to God and merits punishment. The good news is that Jesus took that punishment on himself when he died for us (Rom. 8:1). Because of the gospel, we can be reconciled to the Father by faith in Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 5:18). We are no longer bound by our sin or the sins of others against us (Gal. 5:1).
@2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 8.15.23
“I Did It My Way”
Sin. We all do it (Rom. 3:23). As much as we’d like to stop it, there are times when our flesh wins out over the Holy Spirit’s guidance to the contrary (Rom. 7:14-25). Particularly when we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.), we can take out our frustration on some innocent person, many times a member of our household. It’s been said that we hurt the ones we love the most, because they are the ones we are around most often. They see our good sides and our not-so-good sides.
Sin is going our own way (Is. 53:6). We do it because it feels good at the time or serves some purpose for us. We put our own desires above the needs of others. Or we simply take matters into our own hands without considering what God would have us do. It’s ugly, it destroys our souls, and we earn death by sinning (Rom. 6:23).
When confronted with his/her sin by the Holy Spirit or a person, a follower of Jesus will be quick to repent and ask forgiveness. He or she will acknowledge the harm inflicted by his/her sin, will express godly sorrow, and ask forgiveness. It’s also likely that this person will learn from the experience and grow into Christ-likeness by walking in repentance (turning) and faith (belief).
A Step Beyond
Abuse, however, is a pattern of sinful behavior based on the motivation to control, usually involving coercion, manipulation, deception, and/or aggressive behavior. The breeding ground for abuse is a relationship in which there is some sort of power differential: parent to child, spouse to spouse, leader to follower, larger to smaller, professional to client. When the power of one is used to satisfy that person’s own selfish purposes, abuse happens.
Sin is sin. Abuse is sin. The difference is that ongoing abuse reveals the perpetrator’s sense of entitlement, pride, lack of empathy, irresponsibility, and misuse of power. Both are forgivable. A person can repent at any time. However, it is less likely that a person who abuses will see it in his/her best interest to repent, since he/she is getting what he/she wants by virtue of the existing power imbalance.
Abuse can happen in any relational dynamic, such as the home, the workplace, or the church. An abuser may have one target or many. He or she may treat everyone deplorably, or reserve the most insidious treatment for one or a few.
How Do You Identify an Abuser?
When confronted with sinful behavior, an abuser will likely deny his/her actions, blame others for the behavior, rationalize or justify what he/she did, or minimize the effect of his/her sin. Because this sin has developed as a pattern, it has become a standard of behavior in this person’s life. While abusiveness is not who they are, it’s how they’ve chosen to be, so repentance on his/her part is extremely unlikely.
An abuser relies on power, authority, or deception to maintain control. If you express concern to an abuser regarding his/her sin, you will be brushed off, blamed, mocked, threatened, criticized, punished, targeted, or diminished in some way. Somehow, an abuser will turn the tables on you. An abuser’s idol is his/her control, and the person will not let go willingly!
All sin is grievous to God and merits punishment. The good news is that Jesus took that punishment on himself when he died for us (Rom. 8:1). Because of the gospel, we can be reconciled to the Father by faith in Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 5:18). We are no longer bound by our sin or the sins of others against us (Gal. 5:1).
@2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 8.15.23