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photo credit: Stephanie Brown
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My story is really not my story at all. It's a story written by my Heavenly Father who is sovereign over every tiny detail of my life (and yours). He has graciously orchestrated events and relationships in my life for His own divine purposes--some of which I can recognize, and some of which I will never understand. You see, that's the nature of God--He's God, and He can do as He pleases, but He is always good, even when our lives don't feel like it.
There are now decades of history in my life, but I'll extract the most meaningful parts for you. I respect your time, I appreciate your coming here, and I truly believe we were brought together for a purpose. It's likely God will use something from my life to encourage you--or even for you to make it through one more day of life!
I was raised in an intact family. Our family attended church weekly. Much truth was taught, but I'm sorry to say I didn't learn much about grace and how the gospel is supposed to work on a day-to-day basis. I knew and believed God, the Creator sent His Son, Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and the sins of mankind, that He rose from the dead and now lives in Heaven awaiting the day when He will return to judge the earth and set up His kingdom. Unfortunately, however, my view of God was of Someone who required a certain level of performance to be pleased. My view of myself was one who could aspire to greater "righteousness" if I worked hard enough, and one who judged others (and myself) harshly. I had a "religion". but not the kind of relationship with God that could clearly see His love for and acceptance of me without my own works.
Fast forward about 20 years, and my life began to fall apart. Though I didn't recognize it at the time, my abusive marriage was taking its toll. I could not understand why my "formula for life" wasn't working: my religion of legalism couldn't answer the questions I had, and even as I tried my hardest, I had no control over how successful my efforts were. I was active and faithful at church for most of those years, I read my Bible daily, worked my best at being a "good wife" and a "good mom", but things were going terribly wrong. I had no idea why. In 2012, I began suffering from a deep depression that I couldn't muscle my way through. I searched for answers from doctors, diet experts, and books, yet found no relief. I struggled to keep my businesses and family going, all the while putting on the "happy face" and pretending nothing was wrong. "Good Christians" weren't supposed to have problems like these, right?
In 2016, God mercifully delivered me from the cycle of domestic violence by opening a way of escape and leading me out. With my new freedom, however, came the loss of nearly everything in my life: all of my relationships either changed or disappeared; of course, I had to leave my church home which had condoned and enabled the abusive home environment of which I was a victim; I very nearly lost my faith. But God didn't let go of me. I began a journey of spiritual learning and healing, and found inner freedom in Romans 8:1 : "For there is now therefore NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus", meaning God is not a harsh, cruel judge to His children. Jesus took the punishment for my sins so when God looks at me, He sees a daughter in Christ, not my wretchedness. This fresh understanding liberated me to live in love instead of fear, and opened up a world of possibilities for God's leading in my life - a life of grace and truth, the essence of the gospel.
For you who are new to this whole concept of "abuse" (coercive control) and its label, and are trying to wrap your brain around its meaning, the truth is often much worse than you can imagine. It is literally as serious as the failure of several vital organs at once, collapsing a person's health. If a person has experienced a traumatic event or series of events, you can compare the emotional, spiritual, psychological and mental ramifications with internal bleeding. You can't see the wound, but life is ebbing away. Domestic abuse seeks to obliterate a person's soul and personhood by intentionally undermining reality, minimizing the person's value, and gaining conquest, destroying from the inside. It is progressive in nature, worsening over time. If allowed to continue, it escalates to physical violence (if it hasn't already) and often death. The lives of victims of domestic violence are a tangled web of complicated life events that usually started with childhood abuse, unhealthy relationships, toxic environments, false beliefs and/or errant teaching. As a result, victims end up with PTSD and a host of fears and triggers. Fortunately, God made a way of healing by "renewing the mind"; however, it takes a lot of work on the part of the victim, much support from a loving community, and for the very fortunate, pastoral help and understanding. (A sure-fire way to do further damage is to ask a victim one or both of these questions: "Did he actually hit you?" or "If it was so bad, why did you stay so long?"—see my articles on these.)
For those in the Christian community, domestic violence (abuse) and spiritual abuse can often go hand-in-hand. Because a person's (many times, a woman's) beliefs compel her to "obey" an earthly authority in place of God, she is likely to surrender her "power" (identity, core beliefs, freedom, individuality) to avoid "sin". For a person in this situation, it takes months and even years to put into words what is happening, because her reality map is based on experiences, and because the abuse takes place in a "trusting" relationship that is compromised by mind games, "gas lighting", narcissism, personality disorders, controlling behaviors, and deceit. (As an aside, pornography is present in 100% of domestic violence cases.) Abusers and church cultures often enable each other, condoning sin by misrepresenting what Scripture says and means, each supporting the other's power structure. Victims are further damaged by isolation, marginalization, stigmatizing, coercion, blaming and ostracizing when these two entities align. They survive by splitting themselves between the face they present to the world and the private life they endure. (Margin note: Domestic abuse is NOT a marriage problem--it's an abuse problem.)
If you've stayed with me this far, thank you. Perhaps you have suffered indescribable harm at the hands of an oppressor, too, and are looking for answers. If so, or if you want to help others, this website is for you. I've spent the last few years, with God's help, growing in grace and in the knowledge of the love of God. I want you to know there is hope, both in God's Word and in the wonderful resources He has provided to help those in need.
God is busy turning ashes into beauty, and redeeming what others meant for evil, for my good and His glory, and He wants to do the same for you!
"Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth--Do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." ~ Isaiah 43:19
There are now decades of history in my life, but I'll extract the most meaningful parts for you. I respect your time, I appreciate your coming here, and I truly believe we were brought together for a purpose. It's likely God will use something from my life to encourage you--or even for you to make it through one more day of life!
I was raised in an intact family. Our family attended church weekly. Much truth was taught, but I'm sorry to say I didn't learn much about grace and how the gospel is supposed to work on a day-to-day basis. I knew and believed God, the Creator sent His Son, Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and the sins of mankind, that He rose from the dead and now lives in Heaven awaiting the day when He will return to judge the earth and set up His kingdom. Unfortunately, however, my view of God was of Someone who required a certain level of performance to be pleased. My view of myself was one who could aspire to greater "righteousness" if I worked hard enough, and one who judged others (and myself) harshly. I had a "religion". but not the kind of relationship with God that could clearly see His love for and acceptance of me without my own works.
Fast forward about 20 years, and my life began to fall apart. Though I didn't recognize it at the time, my abusive marriage was taking its toll. I could not understand why my "formula for life" wasn't working: my religion of legalism couldn't answer the questions I had, and even as I tried my hardest, I had no control over how successful my efforts were. I was active and faithful at church for most of those years, I read my Bible daily, worked my best at being a "good wife" and a "good mom", but things were going terribly wrong. I had no idea why. In 2012, I began suffering from a deep depression that I couldn't muscle my way through. I searched for answers from doctors, diet experts, and books, yet found no relief. I struggled to keep my businesses and family going, all the while putting on the "happy face" and pretending nothing was wrong. "Good Christians" weren't supposed to have problems like these, right?
In 2016, God mercifully delivered me from the cycle of domestic violence by opening a way of escape and leading me out. With my new freedom, however, came the loss of nearly everything in my life: all of my relationships either changed or disappeared; of course, I had to leave my church home which had condoned and enabled the abusive home environment of which I was a victim; I very nearly lost my faith. But God didn't let go of me. I began a journey of spiritual learning and healing, and found inner freedom in Romans 8:1 : "For there is now therefore NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus", meaning God is not a harsh, cruel judge to His children. Jesus took the punishment for my sins so when God looks at me, He sees a daughter in Christ, not my wretchedness. This fresh understanding liberated me to live in love instead of fear, and opened up a world of possibilities for God's leading in my life - a life of grace and truth, the essence of the gospel.
For you who are new to this whole concept of "abuse" (coercive control) and its label, and are trying to wrap your brain around its meaning, the truth is often much worse than you can imagine. It is literally as serious as the failure of several vital organs at once, collapsing a person's health. If a person has experienced a traumatic event or series of events, you can compare the emotional, spiritual, psychological and mental ramifications with internal bleeding. You can't see the wound, but life is ebbing away. Domestic abuse seeks to obliterate a person's soul and personhood by intentionally undermining reality, minimizing the person's value, and gaining conquest, destroying from the inside. It is progressive in nature, worsening over time. If allowed to continue, it escalates to physical violence (if it hasn't already) and often death. The lives of victims of domestic violence are a tangled web of complicated life events that usually started with childhood abuse, unhealthy relationships, toxic environments, false beliefs and/or errant teaching. As a result, victims end up with PTSD and a host of fears and triggers. Fortunately, God made a way of healing by "renewing the mind"; however, it takes a lot of work on the part of the victim, much support from a loving community, and for the very fortunate, pastoral help and understanding. (A sure-fire way to do further damage is to ask a victim one or both of these questions: "Did he actually hit you?" or "If it was so bad, why did you stay so long?"—see my articles on these.)
For those in the Christian community, domestic violence (abuse) and spiritual abuse can often go hand-in-hand. Because a person's (many times, a woman's) beliefs compel her to "obey" an earthly authority in place of God, she is likely to surrender her "power" (identity, core beliefs, freedom, individuality) to avoid "sin". For a person in this situation, it takes months and even years to put into words what is happening, because her reality map is based on experiences, and because the abuse takes place in a "trusting" relationship that is compromised by mind games, "gas lighting", narcissism, personality disorders, controlling behaviors, and deceit. (As an aside, pornography is present in 100% of domestic violence cases.) Abusers and church cultures often enable each other, condoning sin by misrepresenting what Scripture says and means, each supporting the other's power structure. Victims are further damaged by isolation, marginalization, stigmatizing, coercion, blaming and ostracizing when these two entities align. They survive by splitting themselves between the face they present to the world and the private life they endure. (Margin note: Domestic abuse is NOT a marriage problem--it's an abuse problem.)
If you've stayed with me this far, thank you. Perhaps you have suffered indescribable harm at the hands of an oppressor, too, and are looking for answers. If so, or if you want to help others, this website is for you. I've spent the last few years, with God's help, growing in grace and in the knowledge of the love of God. I want you to know there is hope, both in God's Word and in the wonderful resources He has provided to help those in need.
God is busy turning ashes into beauty, and redeeming what others meant for evil, for my good and His glory, and He wants to do the same for you!
"Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth--Do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." ~ Isaiah 43:19
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First Public Testimony:
How I Can Praise God in My Pain |
My Testimony of God's Deliverance
from Domestic Violence and the Lies I Believed |
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