Navigating Difficult Relationships
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~ Psalm 16:11
You know the kind of relationships I'm talking about: those you can't live with, and yet can't live without. You're trying to exercise healthy boundaries for yourself to limit the harm of that person, but removing yourself from their life isn't possible. I mean, you can't.
At the root of this kind of conflict is a difference in values. In and of itself, diversity can be very good. It is when another person is constantly bent on imposing their values on you that the relationship is toxic. You've tried everything – honest conversation; making "I feel" statements rather than "you always" or "you never" statements; and stating your boundaries – but the relationship hasn't improved.
God calls us to live in truth, even if the truth is uncomfortable. An uncomfortable truth may be that God is bringing you into awareness of another person's harmful effect on you. Whether this is a parent, sibling, adult child, in-law, or co-worker, the fact is that it hurts to be around them, but you can't just delete them from your life. Living in denial (pretending everything is okay when it isn't) is unhelpful, but so is confronting this person with truth: you know they aren't at a place where they can receive the truth in grace without retaliation; they are unable to take responsibility for their own stuff. What can you do to help you?
Making Space for Yourself
You need someone to talk to, with whom you can be real. Maybe this is a spouse, a close friend, or a counselor – anyone who has the capacity to listen without judgment and acknowledge what you feel. You don't need an advice-giver; you need someone to bring the presence of God (the Holy Spirit in their heart) to the relational pain you experience. [Warning: if the person you're at odds with is an in-law, maybe your confidante shouldn't be closer to them than they are to you ;-)]. A person who can help you bear the burden without "spiraling" themselves can impart courage for you to stay in reality.
Give yourself permission to exercise self-compassion as you would toward another person you love. For example, you may need to limit your time with the person who is hard to be with. You may need extra time to decompress after spending time with that person. Maybe you need coffee and a puppy!
Making Space for God
Continue to pray for this person. We can't know His plans for this person, but we can be part of the solution by cooperating with Him in Christ-like behavior. We can want and pray for the best for them, even if we see no change.
Pray for yourself (example below). Know that every experience and interaction God brings to us is an opportunity for our own heart change. In the receiving of grace, our faith is increased, and we are conformed to the image of Christ.
Making Space for the Other
We are called by God to live at peace with others insomuch as it is possible (Rom. 12:18). We must honor parents (Ex. 20:12). We must allow others the freedom to do as they wish, as is true for us. While we may not support, condone, or enable others' behavior, we can certainly allow them the space to be who they are without criticizing or judging them. We can be "safe" people for them to turn to when life throws them a curveball – who knows? Perhaps the goodness of God will lead them to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
"When a man's ways please the Lord,
he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him." ~ Prov. 16:7
Heavenly Father, teach me how to show up in ________'s life in a Christ-like way. You alone know their woundedness, limitations, and perspectives that reflect where they are in life's journey. Help me to view this person as your image-bearer: for the sake of their personhood instead of their actions and attitudes. Help me to treat them as Christ treats me: with love and compassion, even if I'm not able to trust their heart. Give me grace to endure what I think I can't, and provide a way of escape when needed. Change my heart, Lord, from one of self-protection to one of reliance upon your protection. Help me to serve this person in their best interest, giving what is righteous to give, and making space for you to do the needful work in their heart. Amen.
**********
Note: if you are in an abusive relationship, God wants to deliver you from oppression, not for you to "submit again to the yoke of bondage". Seek professional help to develop a safety plan. Additionally, if you are the victim of a traumatic event at the hands of someone who is unrepentant, seek wise counsel before attempting to engage with that person.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 7.25.23
You know the kind of relationships I'm talking about: those you can't live with, and yet can't live without. You're trying to exercise healthy boundaries for yourself to limit the harm of that person, but removing yourself from their life isn't possible. I mean, you can't.
At the root of this kind of conflict is a difference in values. In and of itself, diversity can be very good. It is when another person is constantly bent on imposing their values on you that the relationship is toxic. You've tried everything – honest conversation; making "I feel" statements rather than "you always" or "you never" statements; and stating your boundaries – but the relationship hasn't improved.
God calls us to live in truth, even if the truth is uncomfortable. An uncomfortable truth may be that God is bringing you into awareness of another person's harmful effect on you. Whether this is a parent, sibling, adult child, in-law, or co-worker, the fact is that it hurts to be around them, but you can't just delete them from your life. Living in denial (pretending everything is okay when it isn't) is unhelpful, but so is confronting this person with truth: you know they aren't at a place where they can receive the truth in grace without retaliation; they are unable to take responsibility for their own stuff. What can you do to help you?
Making Space for Yourself
You need someone to talk to, with whom you can be real. Maybe this is a spouse, a close friend, or a counselor – anyone who has the capacity to listen without judgment and acknowledge what you feel. You don't need an advice-giver; you need someone to bring the presence of God (the Holy Spirit in their heart) to the relational pain you experience. [Warning: if the person you're at odds with is an in-law, maybe your confidante shouldn't be closer to them than they are to you ;-)]. A person who can help you bear the burden without "spiraling" themselves can impart courage for you to stay in reality.
Give yourself permission to exercise self-compassion as you would toward another person you love. For example, you may need to limit your time with the person who is hard to be with. You may need extra time to decompress after spending time with that person. Maybe you need coffee and a puppy!
Making Space for God
Continue to pray for this person. We can't know His plans for this person, but we can be part of the solution by cooperating with Him in Christ-like behavior. We can want and pray for the best for them, even if we see no change.
Pray for yourself (example below). Know that every experience and interaction God brings to us is an opportunity for our own heart change. In the receiving of grace, our faith is increased, and we are conformed to the image of Christ.
Making Space for the Other
We are called by God to live at peace with others insomuch as it is possible (Rom. 12:18). We must honor parents (Ex. 20:12). We must allow others the freedom to do as they wish, as is true for us. While we may not support, condone, or enable others' behavior, we can certainly allow them the space to be who they are without criticizing or judging them. We can be "safe" people for them to turn to when life throws them a curveball – who knows? Perhaps the goodness of God will lead them to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
"When a man's ways please the Lord,
he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him." ~ Prov. 16:7
Heavenly Father, teach me how to show up in ________'s life in a Christ-like way. You alone know their woundedness, limitations, and perspectives that reflect where they are in life's journey. Help me to view this person as your image-bearer: for the sake of their personhood instead of their actions and attitudes. Help me to treat them as Christ treats me: with love and compassion, even if I'm not able to trust their heart. Give me grace to endure what I think I can't, and provide a way of escape when needed. Change my heart, Lord, from one of self-protection to one of reliance upon your protection. Help me to serve this person in their best interest, giving what is righteous to give, and making space for you to do the needful work in their heart. Amen.
**********
Note: if you are in an abusive relationship, God wants to deliver you from oppression, not for you to "submit again to the yoke of bondage". Seek professional help to develop a safety plan. Additionally, if you are the victim of a traumatic event at the hands of someone who is unrepentant, seek wise counsel before attempting to engage with that person.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 7.25.23