Rebuilding Relationship Following Hurtful Behavior
Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted. ~ Gal. 6:1
We’ve all had those moments with people––moments when we feel overwhelmed. We feel attacked, and something inside us responds like our child-like self. We tend to revert to unhelpful, conditioned behavior that has never worked for us.
For example, a controlling, manipulative, perhaps “powerful” person calls you and launches into the same old spiel: “Why didn’t you do it my way? Do you even know what you’re doing? You’re ruining everything!” Your fear goes through the roof, your body starts sweating or shaking. It’s hard to think clearly. The emotional center of your brain sends you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (all trauma responses), and your nervous system is overwhelmed.
You feel like you’ve lost your ground, and the other person has gotten his/her way. You end up kicking yourself for not being able to defend yourself in the moment. Every time this situation repeats, you respond predictably. To get a different result, you’ll have to break the cycle.
Rather than avoid the person (which you can’t do forever) or continue to try to please the person (who will always be setting the standard higher), it’s necessary to engage in healthy, relationship-building conflict that respects the rights of both individuals.
Basic Boundaries
We need some tools to hold our line and stand our ground, to speak the truth in love. If this person is hurting us, we can rightfully say (regardless of their response):
“If you continue talking to me that way, I’ll have to leave this conversation.”
“I’m willing to have a respectful conversation, but I won’t allow myself to be criticized, belittled, or demeaned.”
“Can we set a time to talk about this important issue when I can devote my full attention to it?” (This response buys you some time to calm down, think rationally, and perhaps invite a trustworthy person into the conversation as a witness or advisor.)
When the Issue Runs Deeper
Sometimes, when someone we’re close to (like family) has trampled or taken advantage of us for a long time, we need to address the issue from a relational standpoint. We are seeking to continue the relationship, but on different terms than before. You may need to have this conversation more than once to let the person know that the terms have changed:
"Though it probably isn't your intention, I feel devalued by your actions and words. I'd appreciate it if you could speak to me with more consideration, and I will do the same for you."
"I'd appreciate it if you could be more thoughtful/respectful toward me. You have responsibilities in this relationship too."
"It's very difficult and frankly, distressing when you speak to me in that tone. I can appreciate that you're frustrated/disappointed, and I can accept that, but you don't have to be mean about it. I don't think your intention is to hurt me, but you sometimes have a way of coming across disrespectful/harsh/critical. Not only is it upsetting, it's also not helpful or acceptable."
"This is uncomfortable/embarrassing. It's disappointing that you don't seem to have regard for my feelings. You act as if it's perfectly okay to do as you please, even when it has a negative impact on me. It isn't okay for you to dismiss my rights/feelings. I'm open to talking about this when you're ready."
"This relationship is important to me, which is why I want to tell you how it impacts me when you say things like __________. I'm open to talking about it and seeing if we can come up with a solution that both of us feel comfortable with."
"You may not realize how your words affect me because I haven't talked about it. I don't want to become angry or resentful, and this relationship is important to me. It's not okay to talk to me the way you just did. Can you help me understand what you're thinking when you speak to me like that?"
When the Tables Turn
There will be times when someone needs to have a conversation with us because we have done something hurtful to them. Rather than being defensive, we can humbly thank that person for drawing our attention to the issue at hand and giving us an opportunity to connect in a healthy way. When this happens, we grow in humility (and conflict resolution skills) and set ourselves up for relational success.
©2024 Julianne Knapp. First published 2.27.24
We’ve all had those moments with people––moments when we feel overwhelmed. We feel attacked, and something inside us responds like our child-like self. We tend to revert to unhelpful, conditioned behavior that has never worked for us.
For example, a controlling, manipulative, perhaps “powerful” person calls you and launches into the same old spiel: “Why didn’t you do it my way? Do you even know what you’re doing? You’re ruining everything!” Your fear goes through the roof, your body starts sweating or shaking. It’s hard to think clearly. The emotional center of your brain sends you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode (all trauma responses), and your nervous system is overwhelmed.
You feel like you’ve lost your ground, and the other person has gotten his/her way. You end up kicking yourself for not being able to defend yourself in the moment. Every time this situation repeats, you respond predictably. To get a different result, you’ll have to break the cycle.
Rather than avoid the person (which you can’t do forever) or continue to try to please the person (who will always be setting the standard higher), it’s necessary to engage in healthy, relationship-building conflict that respects the rights of both individuals.
Basic Boundaries
We need some tools to hold our line and stand our ground, to speak the truth in love. If this person is hurting us, we can rightfully say (regardless of their response):
“If you continue talking to me that way, I’ll have to leave this conversation.”
“I’m willing to have a respectful conversation, but I won’t allow myself to be criticized, belittled, or demeaned.”
“Can we set a time to talk about this important issue when I can devote my full attention to it?” (This response buys you some time to calm down, think rationally, and perhaps invite a trustworthy person into the conversation as a witness or advisor.)
When the Issue Runs Deeper
Sometimes, when someone we’re close to (like family) has trampled or taken advantage of us for a long time, we need to address the issue from a relational standpoint. We are seeking to continue the relationship, but on different terms than before. You may need to have this conversation more than once to let the person know that the terms have changed:
"Though it probably isn't your intention, I feel devalued by your actions and words. I'd appreciate it if you could speak to me with more consideration, and I will do the same for you."
"I'd appreciate it if you could be more thoughtful/respectful toward me. You have responsibilities in this relationship too."
"It's very difficult and frankly, distressing when you speak to me in that tone. I can appreciate that you're frustrated/disappointed, and I can accept that, but you don't have to be mean about it. I don't think your intention is to hurt me, but you sometimes have a way of coming across disrespectful/harsh/critical. Not only is it upsetting, it's also not helpful or acceptable."
"This is uncomfortable/embarrassing. It's disappointing that you don't seem to have regard for my feelings. You act as if it's perfectly okay to do as you please, even when it has a negative impact on me. It isn't okay for you to dismiss my rights/feelings. I'm open to talking about this when you're ready."
"This relationship is important to me, which is why I want to tell you how it impacts me when you say things like __________. I'm open to talking about it and seeing if we can come up with a solution that both of us feel comfortable with."
"You may not realize how your words affect me because I haven't talked about it. I don't want to become angry or resentful, and this relationship is important to me. It's not okay to talk to me the way you just did. Can you help me understand what you're thinking when you speak to me like that?"
When the Tables Turn
There will be times when someone needs to have a conversation with us because we have done something hurtful to them. Rather than being defensive, we can humbly thank that person for drawing our attention to the issue at hand and giving us an opportunity to connect in a healthy way. When this happens, we grow in humility (and conflict resolution skills) and set ourselves up for relational success.
©2024 Julianne Knapp. First published 2.27.24