Talking Real
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. ~Col. 4:6
Leah* had lived most, if not all of her life without ever being heard. She had rarely experienced meaningful communication wherein both parties could safely express themselves and be understood. Most people used conversations as a springboard to launch into their own narratives of experiences, opinions, and judgments.
Leah had learned social rules of engagement, but something was missing: Leah’s attempts to be known came up empty. She desperately wanted someone to understand what was going on in her heart, but after any interchange, both parties left no better off than before. At best, each person aired what was on their mind, but no “building up” had taken place (Romans 14:4-19). After years of frustration, Leah felt that no one would ever “get” her on a deeper level.
Ultimately, though she couldn’t articulate it, Leah came to the conclusion that she didn’t matter, because no one really listened to her. Everyone else was so busy getting their own words in, they totally missed Leah’s needs. Leah felt unimportant; it seemed that no one cared (Psalm 142:4).
A heavy depression settled over Leah. She felt used, as though her only purpose in life was to be someone else’s sounding board. Many false beliefs resulted from the conclusions Leah drew from her experiences. Beliefs like
Thoughts?
How does hearing about Leah make you feel? Can you relate?
What do you see as the natural outcome of Leah’s experiences?
What do you think about the actions of the people in Leah’s life?
What are Leah’s responsibilities?
What are the responsibilities of those in Leah’s life?
What is the gospel solution to Leah’s problems?
Finding the Path Forward
Leah’s experiences represent many of our own. One of life's basic needs is to be known. If we grew up in a family that did not meet this need, then we’ve spent a lot of effort trying to resolve it in other fruitless relationships. The trouble is, we tend to seek out familiar patterns and repeat them, meaning that we get the same results in newer relationships as we did in original ones. We need a new way, and that’s where the gospel solution shines. There is great hope for all the Leahs in the world because Christ showed how healthy communication can strengthen relationships.
The Gospels show us how Jesus talked with those he came to save: he showed interest in them, asked pertinent questions, did not judge people for their actions or circumstances, humbly served them, paid attention to their needs and fulfilled those needs, and focused on others rather than himself. Jesus communicated love, not self-interest to all those around him. And he listened well.
When Talk Becomes Real
Unlike transparency, which is simply stating the way things are; authenticity is genuineness, singleness of heart, acting out our values––the opposite of a front, a facade, a performance. Gospel-centered authenticity requires humility, empathy, listening for understanding, and grace-filled truth telling. All of us can develop these crucial skills! Jesus is our guide, and he gives us the power of the Holy Spirit in our hearts to follow him in treating others well in communication.
In order to talk real, we must shed our pride, our tendency to know it all, our desire to use the other person to meet our own selfish desires (even in conversation), and our superiority complex. Like Jesus, we must show up with our real selves and the intention of loving someone enough to behold them (Matt. 14:14-21), truly hear them, and respond in grace. Authentic communication ensures that everyone in the conversation is respected, loved, and known. We can’t do this alone; we need to ask for Jesus’ help.
Leah’s Responsibility: Seek “Safe” People
There are several things Leah can do to help herself:
Food for Thought: Being “Safe” People
If Leah were to encounter us, what would her experience be? Would we listen to her carefully? Would we ask her questions that made her feel safe and heard? Would we, like Jesus, reserve judgment and refrain from giving advice? Would we do what we could in our power to help? Would we follow up with her later to see if she were ok?
*Leah is a compilation of many people, including me.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 9.5.23
Leah* had lived most, if not all of her life without ever being heard. She had rarely experienced meaningful communication wherein both parties could safely express themselves and be understood. Most people used conversations as a springboard to launch into their own narratives of experiences, opinions, and judgments.
Leah had learned social rules of engagement, but something was missing: Leah’s attempts to be known came up empty. She desperately wanted someone to understand what was going on in her heart, but after any interchange, both parties left no better off than before. At best, each person aired what was on their mind, but no “building up” had taken place (Romans 14:4-19). After years of frustration, Leah felt that no one would ever “get” her on a deeper level.
Ultimately, though she couldn’t articulate it, Leah came to the conclusion that she didn’t matter, because no one really listened to her. Everyone else was so busy getting their own words in, they totally missed Leah’s needs. Leah felt unimportant; it seemed that no one cared (Psalm 142:4).
A heavy depression settled over Leah. She felt used, as though her only purpose in life was to be someone else’s sounding board. Many false beliefs resulted from the conclusions Leah drew from her experiences. Beliefs like
- I’m not worthy (shame)
- I can serve others, but no one is there for me (martyr syndrome)
- If no one else meets my needs, I have to meet my own needs (isolation)
- I don’t matter (loneliness)
Thoughts?
How does hearing about Leah make you feel? Can you relate?
What do you see as the natural outcome of Leah’s experiences?
What do you think about the actions of the people in Leah’s life?
What are Leah’s responsibilities?
What are the responsibilities of those in Leah’s life?
What is the gospel solution to Leah’s problems?
Finding the Path Forward
Leah’s experiences represent many of our own. One of life's basic needs is to be known. If we grew up in a family that did not meet this need, then we’ve spent a lot of effort trying to resolve it in other fruitless relationships. The trouble is, we tend to seek out familiar patterns and repeat them, meaning that we get the same results in newer relationships as we did in original ones. We need a new way, and that’s where the gospel solution shines. There is great hope for all the Leahs in the world because Christ showed how healthy communication can strengthen relationships.
The Gospels show us how Jesus talked with those he came to save: he showed interest in them, asked pertinent questions, did not judge people for their actions or circumstances, humbly served them, paid attention to their needs and fulfilled those needs, and focused on others rather than himself. Jesus communicated love, not self-interest to all those around him. And he listened well.
When Talk Becomes Real
Unlike transparency, which is simply stating the way things are; authenticity is genuineness, singleness of heart, acting out our values––the opposite of a front, a facade, a performance. Gospel-centered authenticity requires humility, empathy, listening for understanding, and grace-filled truth telling. All of us can develop these crucial skills! Jesus is our guide, and he gives us the power of the Holy Spirit in our hearts to follow him in treating others well in communication.
In order to talk real, we must shed our pride, our tendency to know it all, our desire to use the other person to meet our own selfish desires (even in conversation), and our superiority complex. Like Jesus, we must show up with our real selves and the intention of loving someone enough to behold them (Matt. 14:14-21), truly hear them, and respond in grace. Authentic communication ensures that everyone in the conversation is respected, loved, and known. We can’t do this alone; we need to ask for Jesus’ help.
Leah’s Responsibility: Seek “Safe” People
There are several things Leah can do to help herself:
- Develop her relationship with God through prayer and reading his Word. Only by realizing she is fully known and loved by God can she feel celebrated, cared for, comforted, and heard.
- Identify her needs. She can meet some of her own needs (self-care), and some must be met by others (healthy relationships).
- Choose companions wisely. Some folks are unhelpful or harmful. The book of Proverbs gives very clear descriptions of wise and foolish people.
- Become the kind of person she wants to see in others.
Food for Thought: Being “Safe” People
If Leah were to encounter us, what would her experience be? Would we listen to her carefully? Would we ask her questions that made her feel safe and heard? Would we, like Jesus, reserve judgment and refrain from giving advice? Would we do what we could in our power to help? Would we follow up with her later to see if she were ok?
*Leah is a compilation of many people, including me.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 9.5.23