What Does Biblical Submission Look Like for Wives?
THE MYSTERY
One of the most profound analogies of our redemption is found in the metaphor of Christ’s marriage to his people, the church. It is so complex that Peter calls it a “mystery”--a union whose closest, though inadequate symbol is that of human marriage. Christ is joined to his people as the head is joined to the body, and so husband and wife also become one flesh, operating in unity just as a head joined to its body.
Before we dive into what it means for a wife to submit to her husband in marriage, I’d like to explore this idea of how God calls Christians to submit to the headship of Christ. What does that look like? More importantly, how does Christ lead in such a way that believers are to follow?
THE PERFECT HEAD
Christ, the God who was present and active at Creation and the Man who, fully human, experienced all the temptations we could ever suffer, is the perfect example of a perfect leader. Even secular authorities reference Christ for his ability to lead by his servanthood. That the God of all chose to humble himself to serve his own creation, his self-made enemies, is incomprehensible. At the climax of his ministry on earth, he physically demonstrated his servant-leadership by taking a towel and washing the feet of his followers--not the other way around! He said that the first in his kingdom would be last, and the last would be first. He humbled himself to die a death he neither deserved nor desired, and showed how we are to give our lives for others.
In relationships, Christ considered the effects of his words and actions on others. He was truthful but kind; he was quick to listen to input from others; he elevated women in a culture that did not; he had all the answers but chose many times to allow his followers to discover for themselves; he healed instead of harmed; he went out of his way to meet needs others may not have even known they had; he used situations for teaching opportunities without malice. His motivation was love; only willful rejection by others would land them in a bad place because he sought to bring them something better than they could have dreamed.
Where the prevailing church of the day brought oppression, judgment, condemnation, and regulations, Christ brought freedom, acceptance, pardon, and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. He was a breath of fresh air to a suffocating world; he was Hope in the midst of disillusionment, disappointment, and despair.
Just as important as Jesus’ dying on the cross for sins--in effect, taking a bullet for his enemies--was relinquishing his minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years for those he came to serve. He never showed irritation when he was interrupted--not even when he was on a much needed break! His first priority was service to others. He calmed fears, he welcomed outsiders, he provided food for hungry people, he defended children, he prayed for his people. In all the life that Jesus gave, he showed what it looked like to be a good leader, a good shepherd, a good husband.
CHRIST WASHES HIS CHURCH
Funny thing--Christ’s followers, though they lived close to him over a three year period--didn’t get what he was after. His responses baffled them (why would he touch a leper?) and they did not emulate his behavior at all. They were fearful, unbelieving, competitive, arrogant, and a host of other unsanctified things. Even on the eve of his death, Jesus’ disciples couldn’t “get” his mission to die for sinners, or that he held the power of resurrection. Or that his kingdom was not of this world. Nevertheless, they could draw from his practical teaching later when they taught others by the Holy Spirit’s instruction.
Thankfully, because God has all the time in the world to work on his people, the truth of Jesus’ mission sank in over the course of their lifetimes. They grew in grace, experiencing for themselves the washing work of their perfect God. The Holy Spirit helped them remember what Jesus had done so they could relive it for themselves and pass it along to others. Through this work, they were conformed more and more into the image of God. After they had dedicated their lives to ministry, most, if not all of Jesus’ closest disciples also died as martyrs. They learned selflessness over time: the servant-leadership that came from the Perfect Example.
RESPONSIBILITY AND ROLES
Fortunately for us, and because God is a God of order, we have a biblical pattern for both leadership and submission. It is outside the scope of this article to discuss dictionary definitions for each of these, but instead it is helpful to look at how Jesus both led and submitted to interpret these behaviors for our own lives. Men and women are called to both lead and submit at various times, so these concepts are not exclusive to one gender or another. In the context of the church, elders are given the responsibility to lead like Christ--a tall order at best!--by serving their congregations. In the context of marriage, husbands are called to lead like Christ by serving their wives. Wives are called to submit to that leadership, or, as I process this information, to follow the example their husbands set by serving.
CHRIST-LIKE SUBMISSION?
This idea of leading/submitting is a two-way interchange between parties. Neither the leading or submitting is a closed system, but a synergy of sorts. Husbands are exhorted to love like Christ at the very same time that wives are exhorted to submit. In an imperfect way, this pattern of interaction is entirely possible in a Christian home--in fact, one follows the other. Christ loves, we respond. Husbands love, wives submit.
Servant-leadership on the part of the husband is one way in which he proclaims the love of Christ. He, like Christ, “prefers the other above himself”. Rather than manage or control his wife, he leads: he goes first when it comes to setting the example. If he wants her to be kind, he is kind. If he would have her show patience, he shows patience. If he desires that the family pray and grow in their relationships to God, he does so first.
Husbands who obey the command to love their wives (and, by extension, live with them in an understanding way: 1 Peter 5:7) honor them as if they were caring for their own bodies. Is she hungry? Does she need rest? Would she like some recreation? Does she feel secure and comforted? A Christ-like husband always has his wife’s well-being on his mind.
How does a wife submit herself to her husband’s leadership? I’ll answer that question with a question: how did Christ submit himself to God’s plan? God, the all-loving Father, and his Son had a close, trusting relationship. When the uncomfortable time came for Christ to carry out his mission by enduring the death of the cross on behalf of the people he loved, he submitted. He cooperated. He did the work. He carried out the plan.
Christ could respond in submission to God’s plan because of their deep, loving relationship. The submission itself was a microcosm of the much greater concept of the great plan they had for perpetuating their own love and opening up the way for all humans to participate. It was, in fact, the greatest display of God’s glory.
Even so, Christ had the choice to submit, and he submitted. Wives are exhorted to submit to their husbands, and it is their choice between them and God. In a way, submission is a gift to husbands as love is a gift to wives.
In God’s orderly creation, someone has to go first--to lead, to set the example. And someone must follow--to respond, to perpetuate the example. Only grace can make this possible, and only because Christ did both first can we hope to emulate him.
SOME CAVEATS
It is wrong for anyone to pressure a wife into submission to domestic violence on the part of her husband--that is, in fact, spiritual abuse: misusing scripture to pervert one’s view of God and his word. This article does not support wifely submission to an oppressive husband or church.
Why we do what we do is as important as what we do: motivation counts. Christ both led and submitted in love for the benefit of others. If motive includes coercion, control, manipulation, or codependence, it is evil.
Biblical submission does not include obedience to man above God and his laws. If there is a conflict, a Christian must obey God rather than man.
Q. What if the husband wants to go one way, and the wife is certain of another, better path? How does submission work then?
A. It’s helpful to realize that the wife is given to the husband as an “ezer”-- a helper suited especially for him, in the same way that the Holy Spirit is given to believers (God calls himself an “ezer”). If the wife has any “red flags” about a direction or decision the husband wants to take or make, he would do well to consider why. Jesus -- the all-knowing God! -- often listened to others' perspectives, and good leaders do, too. While the husband is ultimately responsible for the family before God because of his role as the “head”, his wife’s input is invaluable to him, and may be the way in which God gets his attention.
P.S. I asked my husband what would happen if we both were diametrically opposed, both as followers of Jesus. Who would win the day? He replied that he could think of two instances in which his vote would trump mine: 1) he was being selfish or 2) if he were protecting me. I thank God for his perspective, and his sincere desire to honor me. What an easy thing it is for me to submit to his leadership!!
TEXTS USED:
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Context: marriage
Audience: wives
Imagery: relationship between Christ and His church
Further explanatory text:
Ephesians 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Ephesians 5:25-33 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Similar text:
Colossians 3:18-19 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Related texts:
1 Peter 2:22-3:2 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 5:1-5 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
© Julie Knapp 2021 www.MadeForGrace.net
One of the most profound analogies of our redemption is found in the metaphor of Christ’s marriage to his people, the church. It is so complex that Peter calls it a “mystery”--a union whose closest, though inadequate symbol is that of human marriage. Christ is joined to his people as the head is joined to the body, and so husband and wife also become one flesh, operating in unity just as a head joined to its body.
Before we dive into what it means for a wife to submit to her husband in marriage, I’d like to explore this idea of how God calls Christians to submit to the headship of Christ. What does that look like? More importantly, how does Christ lead in such a way that believers are to follow?
THE PERFECT HEAD
Christ, the God who was present and active at Creation and the Man who, fully human, experienced all the temptations we could ever suffer, is the perfect example of a perfect leader. Even secular authorities reference Christ for his ability to lead by his servanthood. That the God of all chose to humble himself to serve his own creation, his self-made enemies, is incomprehensible. At the climax of his ministry on earth, he physically demonstrated his servant-leadership by taking a towel and washing the feet of his followers--not the other way around! He said that the first in his kingdom would be last, and the last would be first. He humbled himself to die a death he neither deserved nor desired, and showed how we are to give our lives for others.
In relationships, Christ considered the effects of his words and actions on others. He was truthful but kind; he was quick to listen to input from others; he elevated women in a culture that did not; he had all the answers but chose many times to allow his followers to discover for themselves; he healed instead of harmed; he went out of his way to meet needs others may not have even known they had; he used situations for teaching opportunities without malice. His motivation was love; only willful rejection by others would land them in a bad place because he sought to bring them something better than they could have dreamed.
Where the prevailing church of the day brought oppression, judgment, condemnation, and regulations, Christ brought freedom, acceptance, pardon, and the Holy Spirit’s guidance. He was a breath of fresh air to a suffocating world; he was Hope in the midst of disillusionment, disappointment, and despair.
Just as important as Jesus’ dying on the cross for sins--in effect, taking a bullet for his enemies--was relinquishing his minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years for those he came to serve. He never showed irritation when he was interrupted--not even when he was on a much needed break! His first priority was service to others. He calmed fears, he welcomed outsiders, he provided food for hungry people, he defended children, he prayed for his people. In all the life that Jesus gave, he showed what it looked like to be a good leader, a good shepherd, a good husband.
CHRIST WASHES HIS CHURCH
Funny thing--Christ’s followers, though they lived close to him over a three year period--didn’t get what he was after. His responses baffled them (why would he touch a leper?) and they did not emulate his behavior at all. They were fearful, unbelieving, competitive, arrogant, and a host of other unsanctified things. Even on the eve of his death, Jesus’ disciples couldn’t “get” his mission to die for sinners, or that he held the power of resurrection. Or that his kingdom was not of this world. Nevertheless, they could draw from his practical teaching later when they taught others by the Holy Spirit’s instruction.
Thankfully, because God has all the time in the world to work on his people, the truth of Jesus’ mission sank in over the course of their lifetimes. They grew in grace, experiencing for themselves the washing work of their perfect God. The Holy Spirit helped them remember what Jesus had done so they could relive it for themselves and pass it along to others. Through this work, they were conformed more and more into the image of God. After they had dedicated their lives to ministry, most, if not all of Jesus’ closest disciples also died as martyrs. They learned selflessness over time: the servant-leadership that came from the Perfect Example.
RESPONSIBILITY AND ROLES
Fortunately for us, and because God is a God of order, we have a biblical pattern for both leadership and submission. It is outside the scope of this article to discuss dictionary definitions for each of these, but instead it is helpful to look at how Jesus both led and submitted to interpret these behaviors for our own lives. Men and women are called to both lead and submit at various times, so these concepts are not exclusive to one gender or another. In the context of the church, elders are given the responsibility to lead like Christ--a tall order at best!--by serving their congregations. In the context of marriage, husbands are called to lead like Christ by serving their wives. Wives are called to submit to that leadership, or, as I process this information, to follow the example their husbands set by serving.
CHRIST-LIKE SUBMISSION?
This idea of leading/submitting is a two-way interchange between parties. Neither the leading or submitting is a closed system, but a synergy of sorts. Husbands are exhorted to love like Christ at the very same time that wives are exhorted to submit. In an imperfect way, this pattern of interaction is entirely possible in a Christian home--in fact, one follows the other. Christ loves, we respond. Husbands love, wives submit.
Servant-leadership on the part of the husband is one way in which he proclaims the love of Christ. He, like Christ, “prefers the other above himself”. Rather than manage or control his wife, he leads: he goes first when it comes to setting the example. If he wants her to be kind, he is kind. If he would have her show patience, he shows patience. If he desires that the family pray and grow in their relationships to God, he does so first.
Husbands who obey the command to love their wives (and, by extension, live with them in an understanding way: 1 Peter 5:7) honor them as if they were caring for their own bodies. Is she hungry? Does she need rest? Would she like some recreation? Does she feel secure and comforted? A Christ-like husband always has his wife’s well-being on his mind.
How does a wife submit herself to her husband’s leadership? I’ll answer that question with a question: how did Christ submit himself to God’s plan? God, the all-loving Father, and his Son had a close, trusting relationship. When the uncomfortable time came for Christ to carry out his mission by enduring the death of the cross on behalf of the people he loved, he submitted. He cooperated. He did the work. He carried out the plan.
Christ could respond in submission to God’s plan because of their deep, loving relationship. The submission itself was a microcosm of the much greater concept of the great plan they had for perpetuating their own love and opening up the way for all humans to participate. It was, in fact, the greatest display of God’s glory.
Even so, Christ had the choice to submit, and he submitted. Wives are exhorted to submit to their husbands, and it is their choice between them and God. In a way, submission is a gift to husbands as love is a gift to wives.
In God’s orderly creation, someone has to go first--to lead, to set the example. And someone must follow--to respond, to perpetuate the example. Only grace can make this possible, and only because Christ did both first can we hope to emulate him.
SOME CAVEATS
It is wrong for anyone to pressure a wife into submission to domestic violence on the part of her husband--that is, in fact, spiritual abuse: misusing scripture to pervert one’s view of God and his word. This article does not support wifely submission to an oppressive husband or church.
Why we do what we do is as important as what we do: motivation counts. Christ both led and submitted in love for the benefit of others. If motive includes coercion, control, manipulation, or codependence, it is evil.
Biblical submission does not include obedience to man above God and his laws. If there is a conflict, a Christian must obey God rather than man.
Q. What if the husband wants to go one way, and the wife is certain of another, better path? How does submission work then?
A. It’s helpful to realize that the wife is given to the husband as an “ezer”-- a helper suited especially for him, in the same way that the Holy Spirit is given to believers (God calls himself an “ezer”). If the wife has any “red flags” about a direction or decision the husband wants to take or make, he would do well to consider why. Jesus -- the all-knowing God! -- often listened to others' perspectives, and good leaders do, too. While the husband is ultimately responsible for the family before God because of his role as the “head”, his wife’s input is invaluable to him, and may be the way in which God gets his attention.
P.S. I asked my husband what would happen if we both were diametrically opposed, both as followers of Jesus. Who would win the day? He replied that he could think of two instances in which his vote would trump mine: 1) he was being selfish or 2) if he were protecting me. I thank God for his perspective, and his sincere desire to honor me. What an easy thing it is for me to submit to his leadership!!
TEXTS USED:
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Context: marriage
Audience: wives
Imagery: relationship between Christ and His church
Further explanatory text:
Ephesians 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Ephesians 5:25-33 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Similar text:
Colossians 3:18-19 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Related texts:
1 Peter 2:22-3:2 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 5:1-5 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”
Subscribe to free weekly articles in your inbox HERE; your information will never be shared. :-)
© Julie Knapp 2021 www.MadeForGrace.net