What's Your "Love Style"?
The History Behind the Way You Relate
Have you wondered why you relate to others in the way that you do? It's an important thing to consider, because we tend to repeat patterns that were imprinted on us in our childhood. From our parents, we learned, in a "closed system" how to relationally survive.
I hope you grew up in a healthy family with two parents who expressed comfort and love to you in unselfish ways. But if you are among the 75% of adults who did not, a foray into relational systems may help you understand how your experiences are working against you in your current relationships. And you may discover some changes you can make to improve your relational health.
After extensive research, experience, and practice, Christian counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich have identified four main "love styles", or unhealthy relational patterns. Chances are, you can easily identify at least two of the four labels we'll talk about below, because you saw these traits in your parents.
To be fair, your parents are a product of their parents. Their childhood trauma is on "repeat", which is why they passed their pathologies on to you. With God's grace, you have a golden opportunity to break generational curses by making positive changes in your own life and relationships.
The Avoider
This person is emotionally unavailable because he/she learned, falsely, that emotions aren't important, or are a sign of weakness. He/she did not experience relational closeness as a child, and felt as though he/she had to solve his/her own problems in isolation. Perhaps there was tumult in the home, or being open and vulnerable only brought "punishment"; either way, what was "caught" was that closeness means danger, so he/she avoids it altogether.
The Pleaser
The Pleaser desires closeness so much that he/she will do anything to get it. The goal of this person is to make everybody happy, frequently at the expense of his/her own self. As amiable as this person may seem, he/she may have a manipulative, cunning side. It's easy for co-dependence and enmeshment to spring up in a Pleaser's heart because he/she desires connection badly enough to lose his/her identity in another person.
The Vacillator
Growing up with a vacillator is confusing, because you never know what to expect. One day, this person may be clingy, showing you exclusive attention, and the next day – gone. A child in the home of a vacillator learns that he/she can't depend on their caregiver because truth can't be reconciled: "Do you love me, or don't you?"
The Chaotic (Controller and Victim)
Children who have experienced a "Chaotic" parent are the product of domestic abuse. Coercive control is the name of the game, and the power imbalance is palpable. The Controller is always changing the rules to suit his/her own desires. As long as everyone complies, life may seem okay. Sooner or later, however, the power is challenged, and all h*ll breaks loose until the Controller's power is re-established. There are many tools of punishment in the Controller's arsenal, including isolation, rejection, manipulation, mind games, deception, blame, verbal and emotional abuse, to name a few. The Controller may go so far to play the part of "victim" in order to blame everyone else for his/her actions, which is simply more evidence of a lack of empathy toward others.
Where Do You Fit In?
Perhaps you have already identified your own relational tendencies, and have traced those back to behaviors you saw your parents model. If so, you're halfway to freedom! You can only change what you know, and knowing is important.
Seeking to make a correction by "being the opposite" of unwanted behavior in your parent(s) is not only unhelpful, but destructive. By focusing on what you don't want, you end up becoming the object of your focus (your mom or dad). You need a positive focus, not a negative one.
History Doesn't Have to Repeat Itself
Lasting freedom and change only comes by getting a new model: Christ. What is He like? What does He do? How does He treat others? In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul got it right when he said, "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." Jesus is the only Person worth modeling ourselves after. Fortunately, we're not on our own here, because you know as well as I do that we can't magically "become like Christ" – this takes a power we don't possess. Romans 8:29 helps us out: God pre-selected us for the express purpose of becoming like Christ, so He provides the power to make that happen.He transforms our minds, and in turn, transforms our behaviors.
What's your next right step? What old, unhelpful patterns would you like to break? What would you like to see in the generations of children who come after you? You do not have to remain stuck; it's never too late to make a difference by allowing God to restore you to the person He created you to be!
Get your own copy of the Yerkovich's book HERE.
Get free weekly articles in your email by clicking HERE. Your information will never be shared.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First Published 2.14.23
Have you wondered why you relate to others in the way that you do? It's an important thing to consider, because we tend to repeat patterns that were imprinted on us in our childhood. From our parents, we learned, in a "closed system" how to relationally survive.
I hope you grew up in a healthy family with two parents who expressed comfort and love to you in unselfish ways. But if you are among the 75% of adults who did not, a foray into relational systems may help you understand how your experiences are working against you in your current relationships. And you may discover some changes you can make to improve your relational health.
After extensive research, experience, and practice, Christian counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich have identified four main "love styles", or unhealthy relational patterns. Chances are, you can easily identify at least two of the four labels we'll talk about below, because you saw these traits in your parents.
To be fair, your parents are a product of their parents. Their childhood trauma is on "repeat", which is why they passed their pathologies on to you. With God's grace, you have a golden opportunity to break generational curses by making positive changes in your own life and relationships.
The Avoider
This person is emotionally unavailable because he/she learned, falsely, that emotions aren't important, or are a sign of weakness. He/she did not experience relational closeness as a child, and felt as though he/she had to solve his/her own problems in isolation. Perhaps there was tumult in the home, or being open and vulnerable only brought "punishment"; either way, what was "caught" was that closeness means danger, so he/she avoids it altogether.
The Pleaser
The Pleaser desires closeness so much that he/she will do anything to get it. The goal of this person is to make everybody happy, frequently at the expense of his/her own self. As amiable as this person may seem, he/she may have a manipulative, cunning side. It's easy for co-dependence and enmeshment to spring up in a Pleaser's heart because he/she desires connection badly enough to lose his/her identity in another person.
The Vacillator
Growing up with a vacillator is confusing, because you never know what to expect. One day, this person may be clingy, showing you exclusive attention, and the next day – gone. A child in the home of a vacillator learns that he/she can't depend on their caregiver because truth can't be reconciled: "Do you love me, or don't you?"
The Chaotic (Controller and Victim)
Children who have experienced a "Chaotic" parent are the product of domestic abuse. Coercive control is the name of the game, and the power imbalance is palpable. The Controller is always changing the rules to suit his/her own desires. As long as everyone complies, life may seem okay. Sooner or later, however, the power is challenged, and all h*ll breaks loose until the Controller's power is re-established. There are many tools of punishment in the Controller's arsenal, including isolation, rejection, manipulation, mind games, deception, blame, verbal and emotional abuse, to name a few. The Controller may go so far to play the part of "victim" in order to blame everyone else for his/her actions, which is simply more evidence of a lack of empathy toward others.
Where Do You Fit In?
Perhaps you have already identified your own relational tendencies, and have traced those back to behaviors you saw your parents model. If so, you're halfway to freedom! You can only change what you know, and knowing is important.
Seeking to make a correction by "being the opposite" of unwanted behavior in your parent(s) is not only unhelpful, but destructive. By focusing on what you don't want, you end up becoming the object of your focus (your mom or dad). You need a positive focus, not a negative one.
History Doesn't Have to Repeat Itself
Lasting freedom and change only comes by getting a new model: Christ. What is He like? What does He do? How does He treat others? In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul got it right when he said, "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." Jesus is the only Person worth modeling ourselves after. Fortunately, we're not on our own here, because you know as well as I do that we can't magically "become like Christ" – this takes a power we don't possess. Romans 8:29 helps us out: God pre-selected us for the express purpose of becoming like Christ, so He provides the power to make that happen.He transforms our minds, and in turn, transforms our behaviors.
What's your next right step? What old, unhelpful patterns would you like to break? What would you like to see in the generations of children who come after you? You do not have to remain stuck; it's never too late to make a difference by allowing God to restore you to the person He created you to be!
Get your own copy of the Yerkovich's book HERE.
Get free weekly articles in your email by clicking HERE. Your information will never be shared.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First Published 2.14.23