Women Who Abuse
Every wise woman builds her house:
but the foolish pulls it down with her hands. ~ Prov. 14:1
She may be a mother, a sister, or a wife. She may be next door or in your home. She will look like everyone else, but there’s something that’s not quite right, and you can’t put your finger on it. While everything seems okay to the rest of the world, you notice she always seems to get her way.
Our common enemy is at work to deceive, steal, kill, and destroy. He loves to get a foothold in our homes, seeking prey to devour (1 Pet. 5:8). He can deceive anyone into becoming an oppressor––even a woman––and use her as a tool to oppress others, if ever so subtly. It may not look like toxicity on the surface, but the potential for harm is great.
While we normally associate domestic abuse with male perpetrators, cases of female abusers are underreported. On the spectrum of toxicity, women have the potential to be equally harmful as men. In homes where domestic violence is perpetrated by women, men and children are often passive recipients. All are in desperate need of gospel truth and grace.
Toxic Women
We are born wanting our own way. Our natural hearts are wicked and prone to sin (Jer. 17:9); without God’s help, our behavior can spin out of appropriate relational orbits in an effort to control others. Tactics women can use to control include
If that list sounds familiar, it may be that you can also think of a male perpetrator who used/uses these tactics. For a quick litmus test for toxic behaviors, use the following acronym DARVO:
Deny (“I didn’t do that”, “You’re wrong”, “You’re taking it the wrong way”)
Accuse (“If you hadn’t _______, then I wouldn’t have _______”; “It’s your fault”)
Reverse
Victim and
Offender (“You should be feeling sorry for me”; refusal to assume responsibility)
At the heart of abuse is an attitude of arrogance and entitlement. The abuser believes she/he is better than others and is entitled to special treatment. Often, the abuser grooms a child (perhaps a “mini-me”) in the household. This child receives special favors and treatment, creating a trauma bond with the abuser. Unless there is an intervention, the child will likely learn, internalize, and perpetuate abusive patterns (Ex. 20:5, Num. 14:18).
Abuse is a choice. Perhaps it is a learned condition (a parent modeled this behavior), but if one is not growing in Christ likeness (Rom. 12:2), she/he is stuck in sinful patterns. One cannot love God with all her/his heart and lack respect for other image bearers, seek her/his own way (1 Cor. 13:4-5), expect others to serve her/him, or be slothful (Ecc. 10:18).
Wherever there is a pattern of abuse, there is sexual deviancy (Prov. 9:13-18). In 100% of cases of domestic abuse by male perpetrators, pornography is present. Sin escalates over time. For women abusers, this can look like a porn addiction, child sexual abuse, or even withholding marital sex for control (see this article on 1 Tim. 2:12).
Who Do We Believe?
In discerning between a victim and offender, we should pray for wisdom. Certain obvious clues generally arise.
The victim often:
The oppressor often:
Is There Hope?
Proverbs calls those who persist in sinful behaviors “fools” because they are unteachable (or, to use my pet word, “un-encourageable”). In Psalm 14:1 the fool says “there is no God”, effectively dismissing accountability and placing herself/himself on the throne that should be God’s.
The sooner toxicity is identified and addressed as sin, the more likely the chances are for repentance (life change). The longer it progresses through enabling or condoning, the less likely (1%) the person will humble herself/himself before God and others (Prov. 1:22-27; Prov. 1:7).
Proverb 9:10-12 offers hope to those who are in the bondage of their own foolishness: the fear of the Lord is the antidote, because it comes with wisdom. As a person seeks to become wise, she/he sees the world and others through God’s lens of love, self-sacrifice, care, and healthy productivity. This is how any of us, abuser or abused become like Jesus: by the wisdom that comes through the fear of the Lord.
Note: if you are in a close relationship with a controlling person, you can help yourself (and minimize sin) by learning about and exercising appropriate boundaries (see THIS resource). To navigate relationships with toxic people you love, see THIS resource. To begin your journey of recovery from an emotionally abusive (controlling) relationship, see THIS resource.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 10.31.23
but the foolish pulls it down with her hands. ~ Prov. 14:1
She may be a mother, a sister, or a wife. She may be next door or in your home. She will look like everyone else, but there’s something that’s not quite right, and you can’t put your finger on it. While everything seems okay to the rest of the world, you notice she always seems to get her way.
Our common enemy is at work to deceive, steal, kill, and destroy. He loves to get a foothold in our homes, seeking prey to devour (1 Pet. 5:8). He can deceive anyone into becoming an oppressor––even a woman––and use her as a tool to oppress others, if ever so subtly. It may not look like toxicity on the surface, but the potential for harm is great.
While we normally associate domestic abuse with male perpetrators, cases of female abusers are underreported. On the spectrum of toxicity, women have the potential to be equally harmful as men. In homes where domestic violence is perpetrated by women, men and children are often passive recipients. All are in desperate need of gospel truth and grace.
Toxic Women
We are born wanting our own way. Our natural hearts are wicked and prone to sin (Jer. 17:9); without God’s help, our behavior can spin out of appropriate relational orbits in an effort to control others. Tactics women can use to control include
- Manipulation
- Love-bombing
- Passive aggression
- Shaming
- Blaming
- Gaslighting
- Accusing
- Criticism and judgment (Matt. 7:1-5)
If that list sounds familiar, it may be that you can also think of a male perpetrator who used/uses these tactics. For a quick litmus test for toxic behaviors, use the following acronym DARVO:
Deny (“I didn’t do that”, “You’re wrong”, “You’re taking it the wrong way”)
Accuse (“If you hadn’t _______, then I wouldn’t have _______”; “It’s your fault”)
Reverse
Victim and
Offender (“You should be feeling sorry for me”; refusal to assume responsibility)
At the heart of abuse is an attitude of arrogance and entitlement. The abuser believes she/he is better than others and is entitled to special treatment. Often, the abuser grooms a child (perhaps a “mini-me”) in the household. This child receives special favors and treatment, creating a trauma bond with the abuser. Unless there is an intervention, the child will likely learn, internalize, and perpetuate abusive patterns (Ex. 20:5, Num. 14:18).
Abuse is a choice. Perhaps it is a learned condition (a parent modeled this behavior), but if one is not growing in Christ likeness (Rom. 12:2), she/he is stuck in sinful patterns. One cannot love God with all her/his heart and lack respect for other image bearers, seek her/his own way (1 Cor. 13:4-5), expect others to serve her/him, or be slothful (Ecc. 10:18).
Wherever there is a pattern of abuse, there is sexual deviancy (Prov. 9:13-18). In 100% of cases of domestic abuse by male perpetrators, pornography is present. Sin escalates over time. For women abusers, this can look like a porn addiction, child sexual abuse, or even withholding marital sex for control (see this article on 1 Tim. 2:12).
Who Do We Believe?
In discerning between a victim and offender, we should pray for wisdom. Certain obvious clues generally arise.
The victim often:
- Assumes he/she is at fault, continually analyzing his/her motives
- Is likelier to assume responsibility than assign blame
- Is confused about competing realities (what the abuser says versus what he/she does)
- Feels obligated to hold the relationship together
- Invests much more in the relationship than the abuser
- Sees himself/herself as a sinner
The oppressor often:
- Assumes she/he is always right (Prov. 12:15)
- Blames the other person and demands an apology to restore relationship
- Seems confident in her/his “rightness” (Prov. 18:2)
- Feels entitled to receive the investment of the other person
- Has an enlarged sense of personal value (she/he claims that her/his contribution is much more valuable than it actually is)
- Doesn’t see herself/himself as a sinner
Is There Hope?
Proverbs calls those who persist in sinful behaviors “fools” because they are unteachable (or, to use my pet word, “un-encourageable”). In Psalm 14:1 the fool says “there is no God”, effectively dismissing accountability and placing herself/himself on the throne that should be God’s.
The sooner toxicity is identified and addressed as sin, the more likely the chances are for repentance (life change). The longer it progresses through enabling or condoning, the less likely (1%) the person will humble herself/himself before God and others (Prov. 1:22-27; Prov. 1:7).
Proverb 9:10-12 offers hope to those who are in the bondage of their own foolishness: the fear of the Lord is the antidote, because it comes with wisdom. As a person seeks to become wise, she/he sees the world and others through God’s lens of love, self-sacrifice, care, and healthy productivity. This is how any of us, abuser or abused become like Jesus: by the wisdom that comes through the fear of the Lord.
Note: if you are in a close relationship with a controlling person, you can help yourself (and minimize sin) by learning about and exercising appropriate boundaries (see THIS resource). To navigate relationships with toxic people you love, see THIS resource. To begin your journey of recovery from an emotionally abusive (controlling) relationship, see THIS resource.
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 10.31.23