The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. ~ Prov. 27:9
Who would you call on your worst day? Who in your life represents the presence of Jesus, offering comfort, prayer, and practical support? If you can’t think of at least three people, it’s time to go shopping––for friends!
One of our greatest human needs is connection, alongside food and shelter. We can’t survive long in isolation––we weren’t designed to. God made us all for relationship with himself and others; community is vitally important to our well-being.
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24
Who Qualifies As a Friend?
The first measure of true friendship is safety. Some folks in our circles (including toxic family members) don’t count as friends. A “safe” person has these qualities:
(Hey, that sounds like 1 Cor. 13!)
Where Do I Find Friends?
Friendship can happen anytime, any place. Look around you––have you spotted someone at church that looks like a good prospect as a friend? Maybe you’ve found mutual interests with a person at work. Or at the gym. Or in a social group. Anywhere there are people, there is potential for friendship, and some can seem unlikely at first!
“A friend loves at all times.” Prov. 17:17a
How Do I Go on a Quest for Friends?
First of all, pray. Ask God to send quality people into your life. Be open to possibilities––you may cross paths with people you do not expect, or wouldn’t choose on your own.
Making friends––especially for introverts––takes courage and intentionality. Once you’ve identified a potential friend, spend some time getting to know them. You might work together on a project for church; ask them to join you for coffee after small group; plan an activity that doesn’t place heavy demands or commitments on either of you but allows for conversation. Even 30 minutes of time is a good start.
Show genuine interest by asking questions. Find out what parts of life, church, or work bring them the most joy or challenge. What or who do they love? Notice the grace and beauty God has already revealed in their life. Even if you meet together one time, you’re making an eternal, gospel-centered investment by showing up and seeing them for who they are.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one [person] sharpens another.” Prov. 27:17
How Many Friends Do I Actually Need?
It’s healthy to have five people you can share life with and can call on in times of need. Seasons of friendship may come and go; friends may change (or move away), so always be on the lookout for people God wants in your life.
Deep friendships take time to develop. As you get to know people, you’ll learn how close you can be, or how close you want to become. It’s okay to have friends that fit different categories of life: some friends make great adventure buddies, but may not be serious conversationalists. Some may “get” you on just one level of shared experience. Some friends will share a hobby or activity you love, while others will have a spiritual connection with you.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” Ecc. 4:9-10a
How Are You as a Friend?
As you grow as a person––especially if you’ve experienced any kind of relational trauma––it’s important to work on yourself to become the kind of friend you wish to have. If you have a history of dysfunctional relationships, you’ll need to learn self-awareness and steer clear of toxic ways of relating, such as codependence, enmeshment, manipulation, passive aggression, or blaming. Maybe you’ve been so focused on your own pain, you haven’t developed empathy for others. Ask God to help you grow in areas of your need––he stands willing and ready to gently lead you forward.
In this process, you may discover you need healthier friends than you’ve had in your toxic past. To find them, you need to become healthier yourself.
Check out this related resource––an indispensable guide to building a healthy community of friends while developing your own capacity for authentic friendship.
Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World, by Jennie Allen
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 11.28.23
Who would you call on your worst day? Who in your life represents the presence of Jesus, offering comfort, prayer, and practical support? If you can’t think of at least three people, it’s time to go shopping––for friends!
One of our greatest human needs is connection, alongside food and shelter. We can’t survive long in isolation––we weren’t designed to. God made us all for relationship with himself and others; community is vitally important to our well-being.
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24
Who Qualifies As a Friend?
The first measure of true friendship is safety. Some folks in our circles (including toxic family members) don’t count as friends. A “safe” person has these qualities:
- Listens to you without making it “about them”
- Does not share sensitive information with others
- Never uses what they know about you against you
- Acts in a trustworthy way, whether in your presence or not
- Is for you and your personal growth
- Is truthful, authentic and vulnerable (as opposed to shamed or shaming)
- Gives you freedom in the friendship
- Has the capacity to hold space for you, even on bad days
- Thinks the best of you, and wants the best for you
- Shows you grace; does not exhibit punishing behaviors
- Doesn’t use the friendship for their own benefit
(Hey, that sounds like 1 Cor. 13!)
Where Do I Find Friends?
Friendship can happen anytime, any place. Look around you––have you spotted someone at church that looks like a good prospect as a friend? Maybe you’ve found mutual interests with a person at work. Or at the gym. Or in a social group. Anywhere there are people, there is potential for friendship, and some can seem unlikely at first!
“A friend loves at all times.” Prov. 17:17a
How Do I Go on a Quest for Friends?
First of all, pray. Ask God to send quality people into your life. Be open to possibilities––you may cross paths with people you do not expect, or wouldn’t choose on your own.
Making friends––especially for introverts––takes courage and intentionality. Once you’ve identified a potential friend, spend some time getting to know them. You might work together on a project for church; ask them to join you for coffee after small group; plan an activity that doesn’t place heavy demands or commitments on either of you but allows for conversation. Even 30 minutes of time is a good start.
Show genuine interest by asking questions. Find out what parts of life, church, or work bring them the most joy or challenge. What or who do they love? Notice the grace and beauty God has already revealed in their life. Even if you meet together one time, you’re making an eternal, gospel-centered investment by showing up and seeing them for who they are.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one [person] sharpens another.” Prov. 27:17
How Many Friends Do I Actually Need?
It’s healthy to have five people you can share life with and can call on in times of need. Seasons of friendship may come and go; friends may change (or move away), so always be on the lookout for people God wants in your life.
Deep friendships take time to develop. As you get to know people, you’ll learn how close you can be, or how close you want to become. It’s okay to have friends that fit different categories of life: some friends make great adventure buddies, but may not be serious conversationalists. Some may “get” you on just one level of shared experience. Some friends will share a hobby or activity you love, while others will have a spiritual connection with you.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” Ecc. 4:9-10a
How Are You as a Friend?
As you grow as a person––especially if you’ve experienced any kind of relational trauma––it’s important to work on yourself to become the kind of friend you wish to have. If you have a history of dysfunctional relationships, you’ll need to learn self-awareness and steer clear of toxic ways of relating, such as codependence, enmeshment, manipulation, passive aggression, or blaming. Maybe you’ve been so focused on your own pain, you haven’t developed empathy for others. Ask God to help you grow in areas of your need––he stands willing and ready to gently lead you forward.
In this process, you may discover you need healthier friends than you’ve had in your toxic past. To find them, you need to become healthier yourself.
Check out this related resource––an indispensable guide to building a healthy community of friends while developing your own capacity for authentic friendship.
Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World, by Jennie Allen
©2023 Julianne Knapp. First published 11.28.23